Now a certain man was there who had an infirmity 38 years.
When Jesus SAW him lying there, and KNEW that he had been in that condition a long time, He said to him, "DO YOU WANT TO BE MADE WHOLE?"
38 years... that's a long time to be in an infirm (feeble or weak in body or health) condition. It doesn't escape my awareness that this is my 38th year... and like this man who was lying on that porch waiting for someone to solve his problems, I feel like I've been waiting to be made whole too. My infirmity is not a condition of the body, but of the mind. Obsession with what I'm not, or what I am, or with my situation changing or any other number of things I fix my eyes on, has left me feeling weak and unable to move.
Jesus says to the man lying there "Do you WANT to be whole?" The sick man answers "Sir, I have no one to put me into the pool when the water is stirred, but while I am coming, another steps down before me."
The Bible says that there was a pool in Jerusalem that had 5 porches and the sick, lame, and blind would wait there for an angel to come down and stir up the water and the first person to get in the water would be healed. This man has been waiting 38 years for his chance to be made well, but standing right in front of him is the One, who has absolute power to heal. The man is looking right through the ANSWER to what he thinks is the solution. Isn't that just like us. We look around at all the reasons WHY we are not whole. Many of us have known Jesus for years and we look right past him, offering to heal us, with our eyes fixed on our problems and our excuses.
Psalms 107:20 "He sent his word and healed them; He rescued them from the pit."
Jesus has the power to heal us, but we have to stop looking around him. It's funny that he asks "DO You want to be whole?" DUH... that's why he was sitting there for 38 years, waiting to be healed. That's just like us... we sit around waiting for something to change to make us all better.
Jesus said "Rise, take up your bed and walk."
We have be willing to listen, get up and take that step of faith. The Bible says immediately the man was made well, took up his bed, and walked. He took his bed... He didn't plan on coming back there.
The Jews said to the man that was healed "It is the Sabbath; it is not lawful for you to carry your bed." He answered them, "He (Jesus) WHO MADE ME WELL said to me 'take up your bed and walk."
You know how you stay well? Listen to what Jesus said. THE ONE WHO HEALS YOU is the one you need to listen to. I get caught up in what everybody else is thinking and saying and stop listening to the one who heals me and find myself right back in that same ole tired place again.
Afterwards Jesus found the man in the temple, and said to him, "See, you have been made well. Sin no more, lest a worse thing comes upon you."
This speaks volumes to me. My mind is infirm (weak). My mind stews and worries. My mind begins to wear me out about every little thing under the sun, then I start to dwell on my situation. I think if this was different or if that was different I would be ok. Looking right past the One who longs to heal me, I dwell on what I think is the solution. Jesus wants to heal me, but I want my situation changed. Jesus wants to set me free, but I want to give excuses for why I am still sick. Jesus wants to make me strong, but I just settle for weakness. My healing is there for the taking, but I have to fix my eyes on Jesus and take the step of faith.
No one wants to be sick. The key is being willing to stop the excuses... I have to fix my eyes Jesus and listen to what he says, that's the only way I will be made WHOLE.
Sunday, September 20, 2015
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
My Do It.
"My do it, Mommy!" I'm standing over my precious (tongue in cheek), strong-willed 2 yr old, offering to help him, but he wants to do it. He has his toothbrush in one hand and the toothpaste in the other, trying with all his might to squeeze the toothpaste on the toothbrush, but nothing is coming out. I know this battle... I've lived through this a few times before and I know that if I don't let him figure out he can't do it on his own, that this will turn into a power struggle. So, I stand there and wait. I wait longer than I want to and fight every urge to just take it from his little hands. I wait while he has his head down, trying to figure out how to make this work. I wait until he figures out... he can't do this on his own and while I wait the Spirit of the Lord speaks to my heart... He shows me what I look like when I try to do everything on my own. He shows me that there are things that are too hard for me... things that I really need to give to him. There are things that He, as my Father in Heaven, is able to do and wants to do for me, but He waits until I surrender and place them in His able and faithful hands.
One day Jesus and his disciples went into a ship and launched out on the lake and when they sailed out Jesus fell asleep. While they were out on the water a fierce storm came on the lake and the boat began to fill with water, and they were in danger of sinking. After trying as hard as they could to keep the ship from sinking, they came to Jesus and woke him saying "Master, Master, we perish." Then he arose and rebuked the wind and the raging of the water: and they ceased and there was calm.
Do you notice how the disciples were focused on the minors... They were trying to save themselves and the boat from sinking. Jesus was focused on the majors and went straight to the storm and calmed it.
We have to face it, sometimes things are too big for us.
As I read this story this morning I thought about my storm. The last couple of weeks I have had some anxiety about starting school. Last year was HARD. I wanted to quit homeschooling and send my kids to school everyday. I know, because I have prayed about this repeatedly, that this is what is what God desires for our family, but it is nothing like I envisioned in my head, and most days ended with me feeling like a complete failure.
This year I have committed to praying for my homeschool and not relying on my own strength, knowledge and ability. This job is too much for me to do alone. I need help. I need to hand over the toothpaste and let my Father put it on my toothbrush.
Today the Lord reminded me of this verse... "For the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show himself strong in the behalf of them whose heart is perfect (at peace) with Him." II Chronicles 16:9
and "Commit (roll off onto) your way to the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass." Psalms 37:5
and "In all your ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct (make smooth) your paths." Prov 3:6
God is my Father. He desires to be actively involved in my life. I either push him away and try to do it all myself, and struggle, OR I can hand my life over to him and rest in his protection, provision, and help.
"God is our refuge and strength, a very present (an abundantly active) help in time of trouble." Psalms 46:1
There are so many verses I could put in here, because the Bible from the beginning to the end is a love letter telling us that God wants to be our loving Father, but I think you get the idea, He wants to be involved in our lives, but He will wait patiently until we hand our lives to him.
Quit being stubborn and just give him the toothpaste already!!!
One day Jesus and his disciples went into a ship and launched out on the lake and when they sailed out Jesus fell asleep. While they were out on the water a fierce storm came on the lake and the boat began to fill with water, and they were in danger of sinking. After trying as hard as they could to keep the ship from sinking, they came to Jesus and woke him saying "Master, Master, we perish." Then he arose and rebuked the wind and the raging of the water: and they ceased and there was calm.
Do you notice how the disciples were focused on the minors... They were trying to save themselves and the boat from sinking. Jesus was focused on the majors and went straight to the storm and calmed it.
We have to face it, sometimes things are too big for us.
As I read this story this morning I thought about my storm. The last couple of weeks I have had some anxiety about starting school. Last year was HARD. I wanted to quit homeschooling and send my kids to school everyday. I know, because I have prayed about this repeatedly, that this is what is what God desires for our family, but it is nothing like I envisioned in my head, and most days ended with me feeling like a complete failure.
This year I have committed to praying for my homeschool and not relying on my own strength, knowledge and ability. This job is too much for me to do alone. I need help. I need to hand over the toothpaste and let my Father put it on my toothbrush.
Today the Lord reminded me of this verse... "For the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show himself strong in the behalf of them whose heart is perfect (at peace) with Him." II Chronicles 16:9
and "Commit (roll off onto) your way to the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass." Psalms 37:5
and "In all your ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct (make smooth) your paths." Prov 3:6
God is my Father. He desires to be actively involved in my life. I either push him away and try to do it all myself, and struggle, OR I can hand my life over to him and rest in his protection, provision, and help.
"God is our refuge and strength, a very present (an abundantly active) help in time of trouble." Psalms 46:1
There are so many verses I could put in here, because the Bible from the beginning to the end is a love letter telling us that God wants to be our loving Father, but I think you get the idea, He wants to be involved in our lives, but He will wait patiently until we hand our lives to him.
Quit being stubborn and just give him the toothpaste already!!!
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
Much Love
She's a woman, who has lived a fast life... The Bible calls her a sinner, but most believe that she was a harlot, a prostitute. What was she thinking that day that she walked into the Pharisee's home? I'm sure she knew what everyone there would be thinking. They were all "good people". The host was a religious leader, he would know exactly who she was, but she didn't care, she had to take the chance. She had never been this close to him before, Jesus, he was here, and she had to see him. She had heard him speak before, and the words he spoke had changed her life. His words had gone to the depths of her soul and given her hope for a real future, one without being used and abused by men. His words of God's love and forgiveness, for even her sin, which most would say was the worst of all.
As she walked through the door she had only one thing on her mind, she had to get to him. In her hands she clutched a bottle of expensive ointment, she had purchased it just for this. All the men were lounging around low tables, with their feet behind them, talking about religion and asking Jesus questions. The room was full and if she had been in her right mind this is the last place she would ever be. In the dark of night she may have seen some of these same men, but in the light of the day, she would have been less than pond scum to them.
There he was, Jesus. Her heart swelled when she looked at him. Her love for him and gratitude could no longer be held in. She started weeping and kneeled down before him. Not able to look up or say anything to her Savior, she kept her head down, crying. She pulled out the bottle and poured it on His feet. She didn't care that this was the job of a servant, she would do anything for him. She rubbed the ointment into his skin, as the tears dropped onto his feet, with no towel to dry his feet, she let down her hair, and wiped his feet with her hair. She was so overcome with her love for him and lost in the moment, she didn't even hear the conversation going on around her.
Simon, the Pharisee, is thinking "If Jesus was a prophet, he would know what kind of woman this is that touches him, for she is a sinner."
Jesus knows his thoughts... His heart aches, because this is the very reason he has come. People have forgotten what God really wants from them. They are so wrapped up in their own "goodness" that they condemn anyone they deem unworthy. There's so much hate, so much brokenness and this is just another example. He says "Simon, I have something to say to you."
"Do you see this woman? I entered your house, you gave me no water to wash my feet: but she has washed them with tears, and wiped them with the hairs of her head. You gave me no kiss: but this woman since the time I came in has not ceased to kiss my feet. My head you did not anoint with oil, but this woman has anointed my feet with ointment. Wherefore I say unto you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven; for she loved much: but to whom is forgiven little, the same loves little."
This is one of my favorite stories in the Bible. This is one of the reasons that I love Jesus much. I was once the same kind of woman. I felt like I was unworthy of love. I was hopeless that my future could be any different, but one day I heard the words of Jesus. I heard "Your sins have been forgiven". I experienced the unconditional love of God and I was changed. I love Jesus much, because I too have been forgiven much.
Oh, what a Savior.
As she walked through the door she had only one thing on her mind, she had to get to him. In her hands she clutched a bottle of expensive ointment, she had purchased it just for this. All the men were lounging around low tables, with their feet behind them, talking about religion and asking Jesus questions. The room was full and if she had been in her right mind this is the last place she would ever be. In the dark of night she may have seen some of these same men, but in the light of the day, she would have been less than pond scum to them.
There he was, Jesus. Her heart swelled when she looked at him. Her love for him and gratitude could no longer be held in. She started weeping and kneeled down before him. Not able to look up or say anything to her Savior, she kept her head down, crying. She pulled out the bottle and poured it on His feet. She didn't care that this was the job of a servant, she would do anything for him. She rubbed the ointment into his skin, as the tears dropped onto his feet, with no towel to dry his feet, she let down her hair, and wiped his feet with her hair. She was so overcome with her love for him and lost in the moment, she didn't even hear the conversation going on around her.
Simon, the Pharisee, is thinking "If Jesus was a prophet, he would know what kind of woman this is that touches him, for she is a sinner."
Jesus knows his thoughts... His heart aches, because this is the very reason he has come. People have forgotten what God really wants from them. They are so wrapped up in their own "goodness" that they condemn anyone they deem unworthy. There's so much hate, so much brokenness and this is just another example. He says "Simon, I have something to say to you."
"Do you see this woman? I entered your house, you gave me no water to wash my feet: but she has washed them with tears, and wiped them with the hairs of her head. You gave me no kiss: but this woman since the time I came in has not ceased to kiss my feet. My head you did not anoint with oil, but this woman has anointed my feet with ointment. Wherefore I say unto you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven; for she loved much: but to whom is forgiven little, the same loves little."
This is one of my favorite stories in the Bible. This is one of the reasons that I love Jesus much. I was once the same kind of woman. I felt like I was unworthy of love. I was hopeless that my future could be any different, but one day I heard the words of Jesus. I heard "Your sins have been forgiven". I experienced the unconditional love of God and I was changed. I love Jesus much, because I too have been forgiven much.
Oh, what a Savior.
Thursday, July 30, 2015
Remind Me
Last night, with a car full of children, in the middle of an intersection, our car decided to die. We sat in the turn lane for about 10 minutes, while I tried repeatedly to start the car, hoping for enough juice to get us to the gas station right across the street. Finally, the car started and we coasted into the parking lot and died again. My husband comes to the rescue, in our other vehicle that has also been giving us trouble. After about an hour of working on "Ole Blue", as we affectionately call our 16 year old Suburban, he was able to get it to start. He heads home and I follow along behind him. On a wing and a prayer, we make it to our neighborhood and turn on our street, where to my utter shock and horror... both vehicles die right in front of our neighbors. Talk about humiliation. Hanging my head in shame, I grab kids and stuff out of the car, and trudge to the house. Among this and other things that are weighing heavy on my heart right now, I succumb to doubt and fear.
This morning, out of habit, not desire, I pick up my Bible and my bible study (Chase by Jennie Allen), grab my cup of coffee and head out to my patio. I don't really feel like praying, I don't really feel like reading, but I do it anyway, because I know somewhere in my overwhelmed heart that God is real and it's all true, even if I have doubts. This week our study is on DOUBT. Seriously that's the name of this weeks lesson. I started flipping through the pages half-heartedly and land on a page that says "describe a time in your life when, beyond a shadow of a doubt, God was real to you." Then she goes on to explain that the word Remember is in the Bible 150 times. God tells us to remember what he has done, so we will have faith in the times that we don't see him or understand what he is up to.
Well, I skipped that page, because right now I'm not really in the mood to remember, but the Spirit wouldn't let it go. So, I turn back and like a rebellious teenager, with a crappy attitude, I think when have you (God) been so real to me. On a good day, when I'm on the mountain, I could name 1000 times, but today, in my mind, is NOT a good day.
Then God reminds me of this time almost 2 years ago, when I was in this same chair, over being pregnant and praying about delivering a beautiful baby boy. I was praying for a natural delivery. I had been induced 4 times before and had meds and all that. Two of my besties had just had babies naturally and I wanted to do the same. It was actually becoming an obsession, like if I didn't, I wouldn't be woman enough. I was praying so fervently about having this baby drug free and on my own, when the Spirit led me to Matthew 11.
In Matthew 11 we see that John the Baptist has been thrown in prison and he sends two of his disciples to ask Jesus "are you the one or should look for or another?" What he means is, looking at his circumstances was making him have some doubts about Jesus as Messiah. He's thinking surely if Jesus is God, he wouldn't allow John to be in prison. John having doubts? The very one who introduced the world to Jesus and said "BEHOLD, THE LAMB OF GOD, WHO TAKES AWAY THE SINS OF THE WORLD." The one who baptized Jesus and heard a voice from heaven say "This is my son, in whom I am well pleased."
Jesus sends them back to John with this message "The blind receive their sight, and the lame walk, the lepers are cleansed, and the deaf hear, the dead are raised up, and the poor have the gospel preached to them. And blessed is he, whosoever shall not be offended in me."
Only Messiah could do the things that Jesus was doing. John knew that Jesus was Messiah and Jesus was reminding him that no matter what your personal circumstances may be, JESUS IS GOD. Look at Jesus, not at your circumstances.
Reading that I just knew that He was preparing me that things were not going to go the way I wanted them to, but He was still God, still in control, and could still be trusted, NO MATTER WHAT. One week later, a week overdue, I went into labor on my own. It was an exciting feeling to experience labor on my own, but after just a few hours I started to feel like something was not right. To make a long story short, after a very loooonnnngggg labor, with no progress, I started running a fever and the babies heart rate started dropping, and he wouldn't move down the birth canal, I was rushed to the operating room for an emergency C-section. The TOTAL opposite of what I had so desperately prayed for. There on the operating table, with my guts wide open, and no control over anything that was happening, I can hear chaos in the background. The baby isn't breathing. Then my Dr. tells my husband that she has to call in another surgeon, because she has cut my bowels. During the 20 mins that we are waiting, with my guts still hanging out, for the other Dr., the hospital Pediatrician comes in to tell us that they are rushing our new baby to another hospital, he has an infection in his lungs and isn't breathing well on his own. This hospital doesn't have a NICU. If you know me at all you know I don't even let my new babies go to the nursery, except for what is completely necessary, let alone to a completely different hospital in another city, and because of the C-section I would have to stay at this hospital for 48 hours.
The crazy thing is though, I had already known this was not going to go the way I wanted. God had already prepared my heart. I'm just laying there, during all of this, thinking no matter what my circumstances "JESUS IS MESSIAH". The whole time I felt the Spirit of God, calming my fears, and reassuring me that He was with me and He was in control. No matter what, I could trust him and I had peace. I had peace that didn't make any sense. I had peace that if mommy couldn't be with my baby that there was someone with him that was even better than mommy. I will never forget the moment, two days later, that I met my sweetheart for the first time. As soon as I spoke his name his little brown eyes turned to find his mommy. It was one of the most beautiful things I have experienced. There covered in breathing tubes and feeding tubes was the sweetest little blessing and I was overwhelmed with joy, because I had just experienced the presence of God like I had never before.
This morning, despite not really wanting to, I remembered when God was there and when His presence was so real to me. When my circumstances were scary and out of my control, and I'm reminded of His goodness. My doubts dissolve and my faith is restored, just remembering what God has done before.
This morning, out of habit, not desire, I pick up my Bible and my bible study (Chase by Jennie Allen), grab my cup of coffee and head out to my patio. I don't really feel like praying, I don't really feel like reading, but I do it anyway, because I know somewhere in my overwhelmed heart that God is real and it's all true, even if I have doubts. This week our study is on DOUBT. Seriously that's the name of this weeks lesson. I started flipping through the pages half-heartedly and land on a page that says "describe a time in your life when, beyond a shadow of a doubt, God was real to you." Then she goes on to explain that the word Remember is in the Bible 150 times. God tells us to remember what he has done, so we will have faith in the times that we don't see him or understand what he is up to.
Well, I skipped that page, because right now I'm not really in the mood to remember, but the Spirit wouldn't let it go. So, I turn back and like a rebellious teenager, with a crappy attitude, I think when have you (God) been so real to me. On a good day, when I'm on the mountain, I could name 1000 times, but today, in my mind, is NOT a good day.
Then God reminds me of this time almost 2 years ago, when I was in this same chair, over being pregnant and praying about delivering a beautiful baby boy. I was praying for a natural delivery. I had been induced 4 times before and had meds and all that. Two of my besties had just had babies naturally and I wanted to do the same. It was actually becoming an obsession, like if I didn't, I wouldn't be woman enough. I was praying so fervently about having this baby drug free and on my own, when the Spirit led me to Matthew 11.
In Matthew 11 we see that John the Baptist has been thrown in prison and he sends two of his disciples to ask Jesus "are you the one or should look for or another?" What he means is, looking at his circumstances was making him have some doubts about Jesus as Messiah. He's thinking surely if Jesus is God, he wouldn't allow John to be in prison. John having doubts? The very one who introduced the world to Jesus and said "BEHOLD, THE LAMB OF GOD, WHO TAKES AWAY THE SINS OF THE WORLD." The one who baptized Jesus and heard a voice from heaven say "This is my son, in whom I am well pleased."
Jesus sends them back to John with this message "The blind receive their sight, and the lame walk, the lepers are cleansed, and the deaf hear, the dead are raised up, and the poor have the gospel preached to them. And blessed is he, whosoever shall not be offended in me."
Only Messiah could do the things that Jesus was doing. John knew that Jesus was Messiah and Jesus was reminding him that no matter what your personal circumstances may be, JESUS IS GOD. Look at Jesus, not at your circumstances.
Reading that I just knew that He was preparing me that things were not going to go the way I wanted them to, but He was still God, still in control, and could still be trusted, NO MATTER WHAT. One week later, a week overdue, I went into labor on my own. It was an exciting feeling to experience labor on my own, but after just a few hours I started to feel like something was not right. To make a long story short, after a very loooonnnngggg labor, with no progress, I started running a fever and the babies heart rate started dropping, and he wouldn't move down the birth canal, I was rushed to the operating room for an emergency C-section. The TOTAL opposite of what I had so desperately prayed for. There on the operating table, with my guts wide open, and no control over anything that was happening, I can hear chaos in the background. The baby isn't breathing. Then my Dr. tells my husband that she has to call in another surgeon, because she has cut my bowels. During the 20 mins that we are waiting, with my guts still hanging out, for the other Dr., the hospital Pediatrician comes in to tell us that they are rushing our new baby to another hospital, he has an infection in his lungs and isn't breathing well on his own. This hospital doesn't have a NICU. If you know me at all you know I don't even let my new babies go to the nursery, except for what is completely necessary, let alone to a completely different hospital in another city, and because of the C-section I would have to stay at this hospital for 48 hours.
The crazy thing is though, I had already known this was not going to go the way I wanted. God had already prepared my heart. I'm just laying there, during all of this, thinking no matter what my circumstances "JESUS IS MESSIAH". The whole time I felt the Spirit of God, calming my fears, and reassuring me that He was with me and He was in control. No matter what, I could trust him and I had peace. I had peace that didn't make any sense. I had peace that if mommy couldn't be with my baby that there was someone with him that was even better than mommy. I will never forget the moment, two days later, that I met my sweetheart for the first time. As soon as I spoke his name his little brown eyes turned to find his mommy. It was one of the most beautiful things I have experienced. There covered in breathing tubes and feeding tubes was the sweetest little blessing and I was overwhelmed with joy, because I had just experienced the presence of God like I had never before.
This morning, despite not really wanting to, I remembered when God was there and when His presence was so real to me. When my circumstances were scary and out of my control, and I'm reminded of His goodness. My doubts dissolve and my faith is restored, just remembering what God has done before.
Thursday, June 25, 2015
Why I Left My Acting Career
You may not know this about me, but I had a big acting career, and I just decided to quit one day. Oh, I know what you're thinking... You've never seen my name in lights or on the cover of a magazine. No, I wasn't famous. You may not have heard of me, but I'm sure you've seen some of the productions I've been in like; "Super Mom" and "Isn't She Perfect". Oh, what you mean you've never seen that?!
Well, whether you've seen me or not, I just thought I'd share with the world why I would leave acting. It was a hard decision. I mean I love acting. I loved performing and being on stage, but it was so exhausting. I couldn't seem to act and live a normal life, so one day I just decided to walk away from it all.
I mean sure it was glamorous. Just what you would think, always having to have hair and makeup, clothes done. I mean people want you to look your best, but it was so much pressure. Sometimes you just want to be in gym shorts and a t-shirt, with your messy hair up in a bun. I mean people it's too hard to look perfect all the time. I just got tired of worrying about looks. You can't act and not be concerned with looks, so I walked away.
It was super hard though to hold it all together. You know being a acting mom can really be hard on family life. It's so hard to relax and just be with your family. Always running around from this acting gig to the next. Even vacations can be a production. The paparazzi can show up anywhere... We actresses always have to be on our game. I felt like my family was paying a toll, because I always had to be photo ready. My house had to be like a museum instead of a home. It's hard to have little children and keep everything perfect. So I gave up acting.
Busy. Oh yeah I was busy. Running from here to there. All those balls up in the air... You have to juggle it all and never let 'em see you sweat. It was so hard. I don't know how other actresses do it and not have a break down. That's one thing you might not know, all that pressure just made me crazy. I had a breakdown. Took some time off to recover, but when I realized how awesome life could be without acting, I just quit.
For real though... I really was an actress. I wanted my life to be perfect. I wanted myself to be perfect, my home, my children, but it wasn't and the pressure I put on myself and everyone else to be perfect sucked all the joy and magic out of life. It was a relief one day to find out that God never called me to be perfect. I was playing a part that was not made for me. I found comfort and relief in quitting acting and just resting in GRACE. Grace is Unmerited FAVOR. God had lavished me with his favor. His GRACE for my weakness and imperfection was just what I needed. Peace replaced performance. His perfect love replaced my fear. His joy replaced my agony.
My life's verse has become "And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for you: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my weaknesses that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Cor. 12:9
I will never measure up to my idea of perfection. I will never be Super Woman... I tried. It was too hard, so I'm trusting that God really is ok with my weakness and that when I am weak, He is strong.
I'm tired of acting like I'm good or like I have it all together, because I don't. I'm tired of caring what people think and living according to the way other people I should live. God is ok with me and so I decided to be ok with me too. I hope you will join me in the "Leave Acting Revolution". I hope you can join me in resting in His Grace.
Well, whether you've seen me or not, I just thought I'd share with the world why I would leave acting. It was a hard decision. I mean I love acting. I loved performing and being on stage, but it was so exhausting. I couldn't seem to act and live a normal life, so one day I just decided to walk away from it all.
I mean sure it was glamorous. Just what you would think, always having to have hair and makeup, clothes done. I mean people want you to look your best, but it was so much pressure. Sometimes you just want to be in gym shorts and a t-shirt, with your messy hair up in a bun. I mean people it's too hard to look perfect all the time. I just got tired of worrying about looks. You can't act and not be concerned with looks, so I walked away.
It was super hard though to hold it all together. You know being a acting mom can really be hard on family life. It's so hard to relax and just be with your family. Always running around from this acting gig to the next. Even vacations can be a production. The paparazzi can show up anywhere... We actresses always have to be on our game. I felt like my family was paying a toll, because I always had to be photo ready. My house had to be like a museum instead of a home. It's hard to have little children and keep everything perfect. So I gave up acting.
Busy. Oh yeah I was busy. Running from here to there. All those balls up in the air... You have to juggle it all and never let 'em see you sweat. It was so hard. I don't know how other actresses do it and not have a break down. That's one thing you might not know, all that pressure just made me crazy. I had a breakdown. Took some time off to recover, but when I realized how awesome life could be without acting, I just quit.
For real though... I really was an actress. I wanted my life to be perfect. I wanted myself to be perfect, my home, my children, but it wasn't and the pressure I put on myself and everyone else to be perfect sucked all the joy and magic out of life. It was a relief one day to find out that God never called me to be perfect. I was playing a part that was not made for me. I found comfort and relief in quitting acting and just resting in GRACE. Grace is Unmerited FAVOR. God had lavished me with his favor. His GRACE for my weakness and imperfection was just what I needed. Peace replaced performance. His perfect love replaced my fear. His joy replaced my agony.
My life's verse has become "And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for you: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my weaknesses that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Cor. 12:9
I will never measure up to my idea of perfection. I will never be Super Woman... I tried. It was too hard, so I'm trusting that God really is ok with my weakness and that when I am weak, He is strong.
I'm tired of acting like I'm good or like I have it all together, because I don't. I'm tired of caring what people think and living according to the way other people I should live. God is ok with me and so I decided to be ok with me too. I hope you will join me in the "Leave Acting Revolution". I hope you can join me in resting in His Grace.
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
Soul Weary
It's been a while since I've had a good nights sleep. We have been plagued recently with multiple sicknesses and that means Momma's up with sickies that can't sleep, cleaning up puke, or nursing a fussy baby. Kid's that don't feel good and little ones who are whiny have a direct affect on my mood. I try to be a good, kind, gentle mom, but a lot of times I'm a complaining, frustrated, yelling mom. This morning has been a rough morning and my heart is heavy with guilt. Guilt that I can't seem to be the mom I want to be, guilt that several relationships in my life are struggling, guilt that I can never seem to get it right. When my heart is heavy I usually run to my closet and cry out to God. I brought all of this and more to the Father this morning and prayed. I was praying Psalm 23 and when my lips spoke "He restores my soul" my soul cried out "LORD, please restore my soul." My soul is weary.
Why can't I ever get any of this right? AND why Lord did you give me all of this... if you know everything, then you know I'm not capable of doing this and doing it well. I feel heavy burdened today with the worries of the world. My mind is consumed with thoughts of inadequacy and failure. I worry about what they are eating, I worry about what they are watching, I worry about friends, or if my kids will be the ones who lead people astray. I worry about the future. I just worry. I feel the heavy burden of it all on my shoulders and I know me... I worry and then I wonder WHY? Why me? I'm not enough for all of this.
David said "I have hid your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you." Thankfully through the years I have hidden some of God's word in my heart, because the Spirit can use His Word, which is alive and active, it's our defense, to calm my fears and worry. Worry is a sin. Worry is pride. Worry is the belief that everything depends on us. Worry makes us and our problems big, and our God small.
So, today in my closet, on my knees, with a heavy heart and tears in my eyes, with the weight of my world sitting on my shoulders... the Spirit reminded me:
The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. Psalms 23
The Lord is my Shepherd and it's his job to take care of me. I have nothing to fear because He is the Good Shepherd. I am his sheep. The sheep contributes nothing to their own welfare. They can't find food on their own or water. They can't protect themselves or find places to rest. It's up to the Shepherd to meet all of the needs of His sheep.
Come unto me all who are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28
Jesus is supposed to carry the heavy load, not me. I'm not able to carry the weight on my own and God knows that... It's up to me to remember that He's got this. He is good at spinning planets is motion and meeting the needs of His sheep. He's used to telling the Sun when to rise and when to set. He does all this on His own, without my help, but I can do nothing apart from Him. He is the vine and I am the branch. The vine supports the branch and supplies all it needs to flourish.
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with ALL spiritual blessings in heavenly places IN CHRIST: According as he has chosen us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him IN LOVE: Having predestinated us unto the adoption of children by Jesus Christ to himself, according to the good pleasure of his will. To the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he has made us accepted in the beloved. In whom we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins: according to the riches of his grace." Ephesians 1:3-7
He blessed
He chose
He adopted
He forgave
He loved
According to the riches of His grace. His grace is sufficient (ENOUGH). He is strong, WHEN I am weak. He gets glory when he takes the weak things of the world and shows his strength through them. It has never been about me being capable. He is ABLE. It has never been about me doing or working. It's always been about the work He is doing in me. It's never been a test to see if I could do it all or be good enough. It's always been about Him lavishing His love and grace on His child.
I am His. His banner over me is Love. I can bring all of my worries to him and in exchange He gives me peace that passes my understanding. I bring Him my failure and he gives me His grace and tells me His grace is enough for all that I'm not.
I stand up in that closet, lighter than before. The mystery of how all of this can be true somehow settles on my soul and gives me the strength I need to today. He reminds me that this is not my home and I'm on a long journey, but He's walking beside me and it's all going to be ok.
You know that feeling you have when you've been on vacation, away from home and it's the day before you're supposed to head home... you just feel worn out and want to get back home. That's like our soul being weary in this place. We are eager to get home and rest, but we aren't there just yet. Sometime soon though we will enter into that complete rest, but for now we can go to that closet and meet with our Father and be reminded that He is real, heaven is real, and He is preparing a place just for us.
Why can't I ever get any of this right? AND why Lord did you give me all of this... if you know everything, then you know I'm not capable of doing this and doing it well. I feel heavy burdened today with the worries of the world. My mind is consumed with thoughts of inadequacy and failure. I worry about what they are eating, I worry about what they are watching, I worry about friends, or if my kids will be the ones who lead people astray. I worry about the future. I just worry. I feel the heavy burden of it all on my shoulders and I know me... I worry and then I wonder WHY? Why me? I'm not enough for all of this.
David said "I have hid your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you." Thankfully through the years I have hidden some of God's word in my heart, because the Spirit can use His Word, which is alive and active, it's our defense, to calm my fears and worry. Worry is a sin. Worry is pride. Worry is the belief that everything depends on us. Worry makes us and our problems big, and our God small.
So, today in my closet, on my knees, with a heavy heart and tears in my eyes, with the weight of my world sitting on my shoulders... the Spirit reminded me:
The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. Psalms 23
The Lord is my Shepherd and it's his job to take care of me. I have nothing to fear because He is the Good Shepherd. I am his sheep. The sheep contributes nothing to their own welfare. They can't find food on their own or water. They can't protect themselves or find places to rest. It's up to the Shepherd to meet all of the needs of His sheep.
Come unto me all who are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28
Jesus is supposed to carry the heavy load, not me. I'm not able to carry the weight on my own and God knows that... It's up to me to remember that He's got this. He is good at spinning planets is motion and meeting the needs of His sheep. He's used to telling the Sun when to rise and when to set. He does all this on His own, without my help, but I can do nothing apart from Him. He is the vine and I am the branch. The vine supports the branch and supplies all it needs to flourish.
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with ALL spiritual blessings in heavenly places IN CHRIST: According as he has chosen us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him IN LOVE: Having predestinated us unto the adoption of children by Jesus Christ to himself, according to the good pleasure of his will. To the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he has made us accepted in the beloved. In whom we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins: according to the riches of his grace." Ephesians 1:3-7
He blessed
He chose
He adopted
He forgave
He loved
According to the riches of His grace. His grace is sufficient (ENOUGH). He is strong, WHEN I am weak. He gets glory when he takes the weak things of the world and shows his strength through them. It has never been about me being capable. He is ABLE. It has never been about me doing or working. It's always been about the work He is doing in me. It's never been a test to see if I could do it all or be good enough. It's always been about Him lavishing His love and grace on His child.
I am His. His banner over me is Love. I can bring all of my worries to him and in exchange He gives me peace that passes my understanding. I bring Him my failure and he gives me His grace and tells me His grace is enough for all that I'm not.
I stand up in that closet, lighter than before. The mystery of how all of this can be true somehow settles on my soul and gives me the strength I need to today. He reminds me that this is not my home and I'm on a long journey, but He's walking beside me and it's all going to be ok.
You know that feeling you have when you've been on vacation, away from home and it's the day before you're supposed to head home... you just feel worn out and want to get back home. That's like our soul being weary in this place. We are eager to get home and rest, but we aren't there just yet. Sometime soon though we will enter into that complete rest, but for now we can go to that closet and meet with our Father and be reminded that He is real, heaven is real, and He is preparing a place just for us.
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
Though None Go With Me
David was a shepherd. It was a lonely job. Out in the middle of nothing leading sheep from green pasture to green pasture. Out there in the middle of nothing with his sheep, David had faced many dangers, like bears and lions, and David learned about God.
David the shepherd boy says in Psalms 23 "The Lord is MY Shepherd... even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear NO evil... You prepare a table before me IN THE PRESENCE of my enemies."
Everybody thought being a shepherd was insignificant, but it was David's training ground for his future call. Out there in the wilderness David had learned some things about God and those things made him brave. He learned that in the Name of the Lord he could face any enemy.
I've read the story of David and Goliath many times before, but this morning when I was reading something stuck out to me that I had never paid attention to before...
"And Saul and the men of Israel were gathered together, and encamped by the Valley of Elah, and set the battle in array against the Philistines." 1 Sam. 17:2
The men of Israel prepared themselves for battle with the Philistine army everyday. From all appearances they were ready to go to war. They set themselves up day after day for battle, one army against another army, but when one man, Goliath, made a challenge for man to man combat, every man in that Israelite camp including King Saul, was shaking in their boots. For forty days Goliath called out for one man to be brave enough to come fight against him and for forty days not one man could muster up the courage.
"When Saul and all Israel heard the words of the Philistine, they were dismayed, and greatly afraid." vs 11
David the Shepherd was the only man brave enough to fight the giant and when Saul heard this he called David to him, but when he saw that he was just a youth he tried to discourage him. David's response to Saul clues us into why God calls him "a man after my own heart" and reveals a lot of why he was called by God and chosen to be King.
"And David said to Saul, Your servant kept his father's sheep, there came a lion, and a bear, and took a lamb out of the flock: and I went out after him, and struck him, and delivered it out of the mouth: and when he arose against me, I caught him by his beard, and struck him and slew him. Your servant slew both the lion and the bear: and this uncircumcised Philistine shall be as one of them, seeing he has defied the armies of the living God. David said moreover, The Lord that delivered me out of the paw of the lion and out of the paw of the bear, He will deliver me, out of the hand of this Philistine." vs 34-37
Out there alone in the wilderness with those sheep, doing the job that no one else wanted to do, the insignificant job of tending sheep, David had learned things about God that the men in that army had not learned. He was ready to face any enemy even, if it was all by himself with only his God.
He knew that God was BIG as he looked out at the night sky, every night and saw all that God had made. When you read through the Psalms that David wrote you can see that he had an intimate relationship with God. David knew that if God had made all that his eyes could see, then he was the living God. Israel was surrounded by countries who worshipped dead gods, made by the hands of men, and I think that most people in Israel forgot that their God was the living God. He is powerful and sufficient and David knew that.
David knew that it was God who had delivered him from his enemies and he had nothing to fear. If God be for me, who can be against me, was David's mantra. He had seen what those men of war had not seen. He had been one on one, with God on his side, and he had prevailed. He knew that as long as God was fighting the battle the victory was sure.
Sometimes we have to follow Jesus alone. Though none go with me, I still will follow. What we have seen God do, in the past, will give us the courage for the battle. The enemies that we have faced with God before prepare us for the battles that we will face in the future. When we have walked with God in the valley, we will be able to stand with God on the battle field. He reminds us again and again "Don't be afraid, I'm going before you. The battle is mine." He whispers "Be still, and know that I am GOD: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth." Psalms 46:10
You know the rest of the story... David went on to defeat Goliath in the Name of the Lord. David's victory ignited the courage, in the men of Israel, to pursue the Philistine army and defeat them. Sometimes it's one person's courage to follow God alone that leads others to follow God. Will you be the one? Will you believe God and go when none go with you?
I'm reminded of two songs this morning... The old hymn "I have decided to follow Jesus..."
I have decided to follow Jesus,
no turning back, no turning back,
though none go with me,
I still will follow,
though none go with me,
I still will follow,
I have decided to follow Jesus,
no turning back, no turning back.
and "You make me brave"
You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the love that made a way
David the shepherd boy says in Psalms 23 "The Lord is MY Shepherd... even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear NO evil... You prepare a table before me IN THE PRESENCE of my enemies."
Everybody thought being a shepherd was insignificant, but it was David's training ground for his future call. Out there in the wilderness David had learned some things about God and those things made him brave. He learned that in the Name of the Lord he could face any enemy.
I've read the story of David and Goliath many times before, but this morning when I was reading something stuck out to me that I had never paid attention to before...
"And Saul and the men of Israel were gathered together, and encamped by the Valley of Elah, and set the battle in array against the Philistines." 1 Sam. 17:2
The men of Israel prepared themselves for battle with the Philistine army everyday. From all appearances they were ready to go to war. They set themselves up day after day for battle, one army against another army, but when one man, Goliath, made a challenge for man to man combat, every man in that Israelite camp including King Saul, was shaking in their boots. For forty days Goliath called out for one man to be brave enough to come fight against him and for forty days not one man could muster up the courage.
"When Saul and all Israel heard the words of the Philistine, they were dismayed, and greatly afraid." vs 11
David the Shepherd was the only man brave enough to fight the giant and when Saul heard this he called David to him, but when he saw that he was just a youth he tried to discourage him. David's response to Saul clues us into why God calls him "a man after my own heart" and reveals a lot of why he was called by God and chosen to be King.
"And David said to Saul, Your servant kept his father's sheep, there came a lion, and a bear, and took a lamb out of the flock: and I went out after him, and struck him, and delivered it out of the mouth: and when he arose against me, I caught him by his beard, and struck him and slew him. Your servant slew both the lion and the bear: and this uncircumcised Philistine shall be as one of them, seeing he has defied the armies of the living God. David said moreover, The Lord that delivered me out of the paw of the lion and out of the paw of the bear, He will deliver me, out of the hand of this Philistine." vs 34-37
Out there alone in the wilderness with those sheep, doing the job that no one else wanted to do, the insignificant job of tending sheep, David had learned things about God that the men in that army had not learned. He was ready to face any enemy even, if it was all by himself with only his God.
He knew that God was BIG as he looked out at the night sky, every night and saw all that God had made. When you read through the Psalms that David wrote you can see that he had an intimate relationship with God. David knew that if God had made all that his eyes could see, then he was the living God. Israel was surrounded by countries who worshipped dead gods, made by the hands of men, and I think that most people in Israel forgot that their God was the living God. He is powerful and sufficient and David knew that.
David knew that it was God who had delivered him from his enemies and he had nothing to fear. If God be for me, who can be against me, was David's mantra. He had seen what those men of war had not seen. He had been one on one, with God on his side, and he had prevailed. He knew that as long as God was fighting the battle the victory was sure.
Sometimes we have to follow Jesus alone. Though none go with me, I still will follow. What we have seen God do, in the past, will give us the courage for the battle. The enemies that we have faced with God before prepare us for the battles that we will face in the future. When we have walked with God in the valley, we will be able to stand with God on the battle field. He reminds us again and again "Don't be afraid, I'm going before you. The battle is mine." He whispers "Be still, and know that I am GOD: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth." Psalms 46:10
You know the rest of the story... David went on to defeat Goliath in the Name of the Lord. David's victory ignited the courage, in the men of Israel, to pursue the Philistine army and defeat them. Sometimes it's one person's courage to follow God alone that leads others to follow God. Will you be the one? Will you believe God and go when none go with you?
I'm reminded of two songs this morning... The old hymn "I have decided to follow Jesus..."
I have decided to follow Jesus,
no turning back, no turning back,
though none go with me,
I still will follow,
though none go with me,
I still will follow,
I have decided to follow Jesus,
no turning back, no turning back.
and "You make me brave"
You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the love that made a way
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