It's been a while since I've had a good nights sleep. We have been plagued recently with multiple sicknesses and that means Momma's up with sickies that can't sleep, cleaning up puke, or nursing a fussy baby. Kid's that don't feel good and little ones who are whiny have a direct affect on my mood. I try to be a good, kind, gentle mom, but a lot of times I'm a complaining, frustrated, yelling mom. This morning has been a rough morning and my heart is heavy with guilt. Guilt that I can't seem to be the mom I want to be, guilt that several relationships in my life are struggling, guilt that I can never seem to get it right. When my heart is heavy I usually run to my closet and cry out to God. I brought all of this and more to the Father this morning and prayed. I was praying Psalm 23 and when my lips spoke "He restores my soul" my soul cried out "LORD, please restore my soul." My soul is weary.
Why can't I ever get any of this right? AND why Lord did you give me all of this... if you know everything, then you know I'm not capable of doing this and doing it well. I feel heavy burdened today with the worries of the world. My mind is consumed with thoughts of inadequacy and failure. I worry about what they are eating, I worry about what they are watching, I worry about friends, or if my kids will be the ones who lead people astray. I worry about the future. I just worry. I feel the heavy burden of it all on my shoulders and I know me... I worry and then I wonder WHY? Why me? I'm not enough for all of this.
David said "I have hid your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you." Thankfully through the years I have hidden some of God's word in my heart, because the Spirit can use His Word, which is alive and active, it's our defense, to calm my fears and worry. Worry is a sin. Worry is pride. Worry is the belief that everything depends on us. Worry makes us and our problems big, and our God small.
So, today in my closet, on my knees, with a heavy heart and tears in my eyes, with the weight of my world sitting on my shoulders... the Spirit reminded me:
The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. Psalms 23
The Lord is my Shepherd and it's his job to take care of me. I have nothing to fear because He is the Good Shepherd. I am his sheep. The sheep contributes nothing to their own welfare. They can't find food on their own or water. They can't protect themselves or find places to rest. It's up to the Shepherd to meet all of the needs of His sheep.
Come unto me all who are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28
Jesus is supposed to carry the heavy load, not me. I'm not able to carry the weight on my own and God knows that... It's up to me to remember that He's got this. He is good at spinning planets is motion and meeting the needs of His sheep. He's used to telling the Sun when to rise and when to set. He does all this on His own, without my help, but I can do nothing apart from Him. He is the vine and I am the branch. The vine supports the branch and supplies all it needs to flourish.
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with ALL spiritual blessings in heavenly places IN CHRIST: According as he has chosen us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him IN LOVE: Having predestinated us unto the adoption of children by Jesus Christ to himself, according to the good pleasure of his will. To the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he has made us accepted in the beloved. In whom we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins: according to the riches of his grace." Ephesians 1:3-7
According to the riches of His grace. His grace is sufficient (ENOUGH). He is strong, WHEN I am weak. He gets glory when he takes the weak things of the world and shows his strength through them. It has never been about me being capable. He is ABLE. It has never been about me doing or working. It's always been about the work He is doing in me. It's never been a test to see if I could do it all or be good enough. It's always been about Him lavishing His love and grace on His child.
I am His. His banner over me is Love. I can bring all of my worries to him and in exchange He gives me peace that passes my understanding. I bring Him my failure and he gives me His grace and tells me His grace is enough for all that I'm not.
I stand up in that closet, lighter than before. The mystery of how all of this can be true somehow settles on my soul and gives me the strength I need to today. He reminds me that this is not my home and I'm on a long journey, but He's walking beside me and it's all going to be ok.
You know that feeling you have when you've been on vacation, away from home and it's the day before you're supposed to head home... you just feel worn out and want to get back home. That's like our soul being weary in this place. We are eager to get home and rest, but we aren't there just yet. Sometime soon though we will enter into that complete rest, but for now we can go to that closet and meet with our Father and be reminded that He is real, heaven is real, and He is preparing a place just for us.