It's me?!

When I was younger and people would ask "the question, 'what do you want to be when you grow up?" My answer was always the same. I wanted to be a wife and mother. I wanted to make a home. It was something that I didn't have when I was young. My Mom was a working mom and she was always tired. It seemed to me that my brother and I were more of an accessory than a legacy. We moved alot due to not having any money. I never had the same friends or went to same schools for long. The only traditions we had were at Christmas and Thanksgiving. I know it sounds like I'm whining, but I'm not I'm just trying to give some background. I don't regret any of that, because it has made me the Wife and Mom I am today.

Anyway, as I grew older and making half-hearted efforts to pursue a degree and "career", people would ask what do you want to do? My answer was the same. I would tell them I'm just wasting time until I get married and start my family. I knew this is what I was supposed to do. Even though I didn't become a Christian until I was 19 I knew I was meant to be a mother with a house full of children. As the years went by people continued to ask because there was not even a marriage prospect around. I was 25, living at home with my parents, working for minimum wage waiting for prince charming. Even I could see how I looked to others. As if I had no drive or ambition, but I knew God would give me the desires of my heart. I had decided not to waste the money to go to school when there was nothing I really wanted to do. I know some would say how lazy or worthless, but I know better, I was staying true to my dreams. I remember even ladies in my church who said things like being a wife and mom were not enough, you needed something more to make you fulfilled. I was dismayed at such comments, but I just trusted the Lord. I prayed for my husband all the time and then one day it happened. I knew He was the one. I'm one of those silly romantics who really believe there's just one and that I have his rib. This year we will be celebrating Six years of marriage and so far we have 3 children under 5. I'm glad I didn't listen to all those people because I would've wasted alot of time and money since I'm making a home here for my family every day...

Although I knew that I was meant to have a large family my DH is another story. I believe that God is the opener and closer of the womb and I have always wanted to leave everything up to him. I want to receive every "blessing" He wants to give us. For my husband this has all been a long journey for him. I just prayed that the Lord would change his heart. Between our 2nd and 3rd He wanted us to use protection so I submitted to his authority and silently prayed for him. After a while I began to tell the Lord "I know you want this for us, why aren't you changing his heart."
I remember one day I was crying out in my prayer time and all of the sudden an answer came. It was a revelation about my husband and probably most men. God began to show me how I was the problem. It wasn't that my DH didn't want more children it was my attitude. Even though I was staying at home because I chose to, I was buying into the lies around me.

God began to show me that this is my profession, but I was treating it like a hobby. Only doing what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it.

I was always mad about something. Complaining about something the kids had done. The house was always a wreck. Proverbs talks about the "virtuous" woman. That word actually means able. Wow. I want to be seen as ABLE. Able to do all that God has called me to do. If I had been my own employee then I definitely would have fired me or at the very least not given me any more work. The bible says that when you faithful with little you will be given more. No wonder my DH didn't want anymore children. I was not faithful with the little I had already. I was always looking at life only seeing how everything affected me. I was so me focused and it was turning my husband off.

After that I started paying attention to my attitude about everything. I don't want to be the reason we miss out on "blessings". I began to do my best instead of just getting by. I quit listening to excuses about having 2 small children. I quit bemoaning lack of sleep and no me time. I quit holding back and I jumped in to full time giving to my family and it has made a HUGE difference in our life. I started to see just how much Power I have, whether I use it for good or bad is up to me. I quit listening to the lies of this world. I have also been praying for contentment. I know that another reason that my DH doesn't want more children right now is money. We have a 3 bedroom house with 3 kids. I have no problem with kids sharing rooms, but DH is another story. In the last few years I have learned how to be much more frugal with our $. I have learned to be thankful and content with what my DH provides for us. I believe that if we as women will be content and affirm our husbands they will not work themselves to death to try to keep up with everyone around them. I have seen a big difference in my husband since I just let go of my vision of the "American Dream" and just starting loving my life.

I don't want "IT" to be me anymore. I want to be found faithful. Thank you, Lord for showing me me!!!