Better Off.

 There is a light in our little town where one of our local roads crosses the major highway that runs through it.  It's a place where too many accidents happen.  It's a common occurrence to see big trucks with too little time to stop, plow into cars and trucks that are crossing there.  

A few weeks ago, I found myself stopped at light with a heavy load weighing on my mind.  It had been a week of stress, worry, change and transition.  I was fighting some of the same old battles that never seem to go away.  My heart was hurting, and I was losing the hope that things would ever be different.  While I was sitting there waiting my turn for all the traffic to pass by... I had the momentary thought, "What if I just pulled out there in front of that truck?" which led into my very next thought and one that I have struggled with for a long time.. 

"They would be better off without me..."

Before I go on let me say that I know better than anyone how insane that statement is.  I lost my biological mom to a car wreck when I was a baby.  I am NOT "better off" without her.  

I also am utterly aware that the thoughts in my head do not represent the life that I have.  I am happily married with five beautiful children and a full, mostly happy life.  Honestly, it's that fact that gives me pause.  WHY would I even have that thought when I have so much to live for?  

Even on my worst days and most painful seasons I've never been suicidal, so this is honestly not about suicide.  It's about me.  It's about the fact that there is something in my brain that does not function correctly.  But even as I write this, other saints come to my mind who have had these same thoughts.  

Job, Elijah and even Jonah had moments like that.  Moments like maybe the world would just be better off without me.  I find so much comfort in God's word when I read about people God used, who had amazing mountain top experiences, but who also had some of the worst lows imaginable.  

I mean it's hard right?!  We are Christians.  We have Jesus.  We've been saved by grace, and we have heaven waiting on the other side of this life right.  We're supposed to count our blessings (of which I have many) and we are supposed to count it all joy when we have trials (which I try to do).  We are supposed to put our hope in an invisible God and trust Him completely (which is HARD).  We are supposed to be thankful and grateful and love everyone (friend and enemy alike) and honestly, we just are NOT supposed to throw pity parties and lament our problems... because we are "just too blessed to be depressed) right?  

And then there's Elijah at the brook begging for death.  Elijah who had JUST called down fire from heaven.  Elijah who was a super saint...  Elijah who was exhausted... soul weary.  Elijah who just didn't have anything left to give prostrate on the ground ready to go home.

There is so much that I want to say... so many posts to write... so many points to make.  Maybe this is just the beginning of a conversation, because it's so obvious that one thought leads to another and the next after that.  I had a lot to say about childhood trauma and I had stuff to say about self-worth, but I'm going to end this post where the Spirit has led me I Kings 19.

How does God feel about and deal with the weary, hurting soul?

"Then Elijah became afraid and immediately ran for his life...He sat down under a broom tree and prayed that he might die, He said, "I HAVE HAD ENOUGH! LORD, take my life."  Then he lay down and slept under the broom tree.  

Suddenly, an angel touched him.  The angel told him, "Get up and eat."  

Elijah ate the food the angel had provided and then he went to sleep again.  

"Then the angel of the LORD returned the second time and touched him.  He said, "Get up an eat, or the journey WILL BE TOO HARD FOR YOU."  So, he got up, ate and drank.  Then on the strength from that food, he walked forty days and forty nights to Horeb, the mountain of God.  

How does God deal with his weary saints?  

"Come unto me, all you are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted: he saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalms 34:18

With His Presence.  Jesus speaking to his disciples told them in this world they would have trouble, and He promised them that He would be with them through it all.  

Jesus, himself was a man of sorrows and He grieved multiple times throughout the Gospels.  In fact, Hebrews tells us, "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who has been tempted IN EVERY WAY as we are, yet without sin.  Therefore, let us approach the throne of grace with boldness, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in time of need." 

"There is comfort for us that sadness is actually in the Bible a LOT, where it's often called lament.  The prophets lament, God's people lament, and even Jesus laments in the garden of Gethsemane.  And psalm after psalm in the middle of the Bible is full of lament."  Jennie Allen- Untangle your emotions

This life is beautiful, but it is not easy.  There are myriad reasons that life can be painful and confusing and still be full and beautiful.  There are countless reasons for rejoicing, but there are also countless reasons for tears.  Sometimes we are going along just fine and think we have everything all figured out and BAM one thing can set us back or drive us to despair.  No matter where we are...  on the mountain top or in the valley our God is for us, and He is with us.

Like Hagar the Egyptian slave or the woman at the well...  like the woman with the issue of blood or Rahab, Mary or the adulterous woman caught in sin.  Like the blind man, or Nathaneal standing by the tree, like Gideon in the wine press or Jonah in the whale...  Our God sees us, and he knows us.  In fact, David says in psalms 139 "You know my thoughts before I even think them." 

Our God is acquainted with all of our ways and like the woman at the well "he knows all I ever did."  Our God is slow to anger and of great mercy and He is mighty to save.  He is the one with all the strength and all the power and He is more aware of our weaknesses than we are.  No matter where you find yourself today...  Jesus, who is the express image of the Father wants you to come to Him and lay your burdens on him, because He cares for you.

God had a plan for our lives and a purpose for all we go through.  He would never allow anything to hurt us that He wasn't' going to use to heal us in some profound way.  And there has never been a bigger lie than the one that the enemy whispers in our ear in a time of weakness...  This world could never be better without YOU in it.