Let It Go

 "A journey begins with a single step." 

Our lives are a journey.  Along the way we pick up some things and we also lose some things.  Some of us, like myself, are hoarders.  We like to hold onto things when it is clearly time for us to let them go.  The fear of losing taints every joyous occasion and even threatens to destroy our beautiful lives.  In the same way that a toddler fights with all that they have to keep their paci, we fail to recognize what we stand to gain if we surrender something that we love.  

For me, losing my mom a few years ago was one of those moments...  Standing at her bedside I inwardly screamed, "I am not ready to live without her" and I meant that with every fiber of my being.  I mourned in the way that many do, who express the sentiment that they died the day they lost their loved one.  I've heard people say, "If I lost _______, you might as well put me in the grave" and I could understand that.  

That day the world lost it's magic and joy could not be found.  I walked around in a daze and even now when I think back to that time with 4 young children to care for, I don't remember much of what should have been a beautiful time in my life.  

For many years the insecurity of life and the feeling of being completely out of control consumed me.  Every area of my life had a dark cloud of fear hanging over it.  The question "what if" loomed like a noose over every moment waiting to snuff all the joy of life.  

I didn't realize at the time that I had died that day, the old Angela, who believed life was unicorns and magic was gone.  The child-like, care-free faith I had once known seemed to vanish away.  

But, one day a few years later a new Angela was born... sitting on the couch listening to my son read the Bible in his little boy voice, my mind latched onto something as if I was hearing it from far away or under water.  The words were spoken by Jesus, to a man who had just learned that his sick daughter had died.  The man had come to Jesus because his daughter was ill and wanted Jesus to come to his house to heal her, but on the way there was another situation that Jesus had to deal with.  By the time they were on the way again, news had reached the father that his daughter was dead.  

In that moment Jesus turned to the father and said, "Don't be afraid.  Only Believe."  

And I knew this was a moment in my life.  A step to take.  A door to walk through.  And I did.  Nothing major happened that day...  really I just asked a question...  "what am I not believing?"  

Over time I realized I was believing death was the end.  Subconsciously, I believed death was the end and I would never see her again.  I believed there was nothingness after that and heaven was a fairy's tale.  What was Jesus asking me to believe?  I believe He was asking me to believe that death is only a doorway and I had not lost her that day.  And this is HARD and it's going to be a really HARD truth to swallow, but her purpose on this earth had been served.  Maybe it's easier to receive in this way... as long as we are breathing on this side of heaven we have a purpose to serve... so in the same way, when the LORD takes us home, our purpose has been fulfilled.  For those of us that are still here it's up to us to release our loved ones and let them go.   

It's been 9 years and literally thousands of hours of growth have happened since the day I stood at my mom's bedside screaming that I was not ready for her to go and I feel like a whole other person.  I decided to believe God that day in my living room, listening to my little boy read and being confronted by my lack of belief.  I didn't push back...  I knew He was right...  I was afraid and I was full of unbelief.  So, I took a step that day and I will never regret that step.  

I had no idea that day standing beside my mother's bedside that I would face much harder things and be ok because I had grown so much stronger BECAUSE she had walked through death's doorway.  

That much harder thing came on November 29th, 2020...  It was early in the morning and my family was recovering from a pretty scary bout of CV, in fact my husband was still using an nebulizer to try to keep his oxygen levels up.  There were definitely moments when I pleaded with the Lord, "please, heal Bobby, we need him."   and so I never saw what was coming up around the bend.  It was a train coursing toward us that would change our lives forever.  The phone rang and there was chaos on the other end.  Bobby's brother was telling us that their Dad couldn't breath, that they think he has had a heart attack, the ambulance is on the way.  And I watched as a grown man, my rock, fell to the floor.  His knees buckled and his heart broke right in front of me.  His cries rang out through our house, but no one had the courage to ask what was wrong.  If you don't ask...  you don't have to face reality.   But, my children knew there was only a couple things that could rock their father to the core and they didn't want to face either reality.  

For me it was the most surreal reality though.  My heart was broken.  To know my father in law IS TO LOVE HIM, and to know my husband is to mourn and weep with him.  To know that my children, all 5 of them, would experience the most pain they had ever faced and to know that I was wholly unequipped to help any of them, was to feel a feeling of utter dependency, knowing only God could bring us through this.  

But, there was a whole other experience for me that day.  The harvest of 9 years of struggle and turmoil...  in my heart, mind and soul...  I watched my beautiful Father in-love walk through that door into radiant light.  I completely let him go that day.  He was in heaven, he was full of light and joy and he was with Jesus, happy and whole. He had completed his journey and I knew in an enormous way this moment was a part of my journey.  

Today in a book I read the words... "If life takes something from you... let it go."  And I thought about the people I loved whom I have had to let go.  Some have been pried from my hand and it took years to recover and some have been released and I immediately walked into the next phase of my life that didn't have them "physically" in it.  When someone had to be pried away, I didn't like to talk about them and all the joy, because remembering was painful, I would tuck their pictures away and I would cringe when I saw photos and memories from the past.  When I released my father in-law through that open door, I found his memory easy to conjure up and his smile readily available to enjoy, I wanted to see his pictures and talk about all that I love about him.  When I thought about him my heart would fill with joy and not sadness and I realized how much his passing through that door had taught me about life and death.  

My Father in-love's favorite phrase is "Just keeping living" and we plan to keep living in honor of a life well lived.  We remind ourselves daily that He would want us to keep on loving life and living to the fullest and so we do and we look forward to the day when we walk through that doorway and see his beautiful smiling face and feel the big embrace of his bear hug and we whisper to our souls... until we meet again... and in our hearts we know that death was not the end, just a door way into radiant love and light. 

This post is dedicated to all the people living in fear of the death of someone you love...  may you find some peace and encouragement.  I pray that you will "Be not afraid and Just Believe."  

In this life we will have to let things go that we desperately want to hold onto, but when we will let them go...  we will truly begin to live in the moment, not the past and not the future and it's only in the moment that we can find true joy, love, peace and abundant life.   That's my hope for you.