Breaking up is hard to do

That's it I'm so done.  I am so over this toxic abusive relationship.  When you are done you just feel it in your bones.  You know the feeling...  when you're just so sick and tired of the never ending cycle of abuse and you just know you have to walk away.  Well, that's where I am.  I'm done.

I'm so sick of calling her and her being emotionally unavailable.  I'm sick of her judgement and condemnation.  She is the one person I can always rely on to tell me just how stupid I am.  Like clockwork I always turn to her for comfort and she spews out her toxic abuse.  

Is it really too hard for her to offer a kind word or a little hope?  Is it so hard to give some compassion when I need it most?  What is wrong with this person who is supposed to be my friend?  

What hurts the most is I hear her talk to other people all the time and she's not like this with them.  She tries to encourage other people and offer them hope, but ME, nothing.  She is so vile and mean to me that I just run away in shame.  It's hard to even look at myself through her eyes.  Am I really so horrible?  Is there really NOTHING to love?  Does she really NOT see anything of worth and value in me?  

But, today I'm done.  I'm done listening to the toxic spew and the hatred.  Yesterday was the last straw.  You will not believe what she did and how she acted...

I was in such a great place emotionally, I was so proud of the work I had been doing to deal with old junk and to get rid of stuff in my life that wasn't working for me.  I had decided that I was going to do the best I could do in every single situation and I was going to be proud of me.  I know perfection is not attainable, but I knew I could be better.  In fact, I had really let myself go in the last year.  

I had gained a lot of weight and gotten really lazy.  I took a good hard look at my life and I did NOT like what I was seeing.  So, I asked myself, "Angela, what in the world is your problem, this is NOT who you want to be."  With the weight that I had gained there was a constant feeling of hiding... I didn't want anyone to see me.  I didn't feel good about myself and my clothes were too tight.  But weight was just a symptom of something so much deeper...  What was it?  Well, that's a whole other post, but the bottom line is I was FULL to the brim of shame and self-hatred.

So, I decided to start small and love myself with tiny steps.  I couldn't do one thing about where I had been.  The past was the past and it was gone, but I could deal with today and I could take the step right in front of me.  That step seemed to be to love me.  I mean if God could love me, surely I could love me better than I had been.

So, I did some things.  A lot of things.  I got rid of some things and I gave myself some things I knew would help.  I took baby steps and I started small.  I read some books and I opened up my head and heart to receive God's love because I knew He was the source.  I started rejecting old ideas that I had and I started embracing some news ones...  and I started to really feel myself for the first time in a very lonnnnnngggggg time, so long in fact, that I can't remember a time when I liked me.  

But, here I am starting to feel a spark of self-love...  One thing that helped me was saying to myself...  "Talk to yourself the way you would talk to other people."  Be kind to Angela too.  My goal has been to fill up on love so that I can overflow it onto the people around me, because LOVE FEELS GOOD.  My kids want love, my husband wants love, my friends want love...  love is patient and kind, love is full of joy and peace... love is good.  God is love.  So, that's where I started, I just started loving me a little at a time.

I've read in my books that sometimes when you start doing this you start distancing yourself from the negativity in your life and sometimes that means people.  So, I can't say that I'm shocked that this particular friend would have to be evicted from my life.  She's rude and mean and cruel and nothing ever makes her happy.  

You won't believe what she did just yesterday...  I was in such a good happy place, almost in a bubble when I did something that snapped me back down to earth.  I was sitting at a red light and there were 2 cars in front of me and I didn't want to wait for the light to turn green.  Next door to me was a gas station so I decided to cut through, I was only a minute from my destination, why wait huh?  Well, I pulled right out of line and into the parking lot of the gas station and immediately hit a big curb...  actually it was square so I hit two of them.  As soon as the car bumped back down to the parking lot I hear a hissssss and you guessed it, two busted tires.  

OH MY GOODNESS all the feels came back like a flood.  I was embarrassed and ashamed and I wanted to hide.  I just wanted to melt away right there and just not deal.  I knew instinctively that I had done more damage than just the tires and all I could think about was the unnecessary expense that I had just caused and I went into self-destruction mode. 

But...it was an accident.  My little boy had just had an accident on the 4 wheeler the day before and I had offered him love and compassion and understanding.  I had said, "Everybody makes mistakes, don't beat yourself up."  So, remembering that conversation I said the same things to myself, because I had made a promise to talk to myself the way I talk to other people.

The embarrassment started to fade and I took action to deal with the situation at hand and I started to feel better.  But then I decided to do something unwise...  I called my friend hoping to connect with someone and ease my feelings of shame and humiliation over a shared human experience "that people make mistakes and it's going to be ok."  

That is NOT what I got.  It was the same old thing...  How stupid.  What is wrong with you?  Why can't you ever do anything right?  Look at you causing your family all this money.  It was just an endless barrage of hate and condemnation.  

I was so sad and I was already beating myself up, why couldn't my friend be kind to me and understand how bad I was feeling?  Why couldn't she offer me some love?  

I just realized in that moment that she wasn't going forward with me in my journey.  She had served her purpose, but it was time to let her go and walk away.  She was a part of a past that I didn't want to stay in.  So, I let her know it's over.  We are done.  I told her that we just weren't compatible any more and I needed some distance.  

You know what she did?  She listened to what I said.  She heard my heart and what I was trying to say and she said, "Angela, I want to be a better friend to you."  

I really want to believe her, so I'm going to give her the grace that I would want to receive.  Maybe she just needs a little time.  I know that she's able to be a good friend...  I've seen her be a good friend to other people.  

Yes today is a new day and since God's mercy is new, I guess my mercy can be too. 

So, Angela I forgive you for not being a friend to me.  I forgive you for hurting me and calling me stupid.  I forgive you for never offering me compassion and love.  I forgive you for expecting me to be perfect and for judging me.  I forgive you for a million different slights over the years and I agree that together we will work towards healing.  Thank you, Angela, for showing me who I want to be and who I don't want to be.  Angela, you know I've always loved you, I just didn't know how.  

I hope this post resonates with you.  There are so many women out there just absolutely hating themselves and living in a guilt shame cycle that feels like it will never end, but there is hope.  Jesus said to love your neighbor as yourself for a reason.  We can never love others if we are full of hate, even if that hate is self directed.  I hope you will find a starting point here in this space to begin to give yourself some grace, love and compassion.  God loves you and always has and always will.  He demonstrated His love by sending His Son, in that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us.  If God has lavished His love on YOU, who are you to condemn yourself as unworthy of that love.

I love you sister and my thoughts go out to you as you read these words...  leave your thoughts if you feel this speaks to you!!!