The Big D

It seemed the stars had aligned...  After a 2-0 start at the first of the season our team had gotten increasingly better.  They had all worked hard on offence, defense, free throws and team work.  After those first two games they looked like a new team and they were winning game after game.  Late in the season they got the chance to see how well they had progressed against the two top teams in the district and they won both of those games with a sound defeat.  The Tigers were on top.

Walking into the district tournament everyone knew that this was our year.  Everything was going our way and it was time to reap the rewards.  Game 1 against the previously undefeated distract champs was everything it was supposed to be... glorious.  From the bleachers the fans roared as our boys made their way off the court and into the locker room.   We had one more game left later in the day and the Tigers would be holding that much deserved 1st place trophy in their hands.

After the team left the court and headed to the locker room the team playing after us grabbed their basketballs and headed onto the court to warm up.  As time went by we all started looking around to find out who they were playing because there was no other school in sight.  Blue clad fans sat on one set of bleachers and green filled the other side.  The clock on the wall was counting down the remaining couple of minutes before the next game was going to begin and all the sudden I started to have a sinking feeling.  We were the other team we were waiting for.  The doors of the locker room opened and out marched those same boys that had just walked in there a few minutes before.  Minutes was not enough time for them to get ready for another game.  The blue team in front of us was rested and fed and rehydrated...  Our boys were still dripping with sweat.

The game ahead of our was cancelled and our game had been moved up.  The Tigers would now be playing back to back.  The first two quarters were much like the previous game and they were able to stay ahead for most of the last two as well, but by the third quarter the fatigue was evident.  The boys couldn't make a shot and sloppy play got them into foul trouble and there was a growing sense of dread.  This was not the way this was supposed to go.

With 3 minutes left in the game the blue team made a 3-pointer that put them in the lead.  The Tigers frantically tried to take the lead back but it just didn't happen for them that day.  My heart broke for all of our boys.  The disappointment was crushing.  It just wasn't supposed to end this way.  As the buzzer sounded and the final second ticked off the clock we all watched in stunned silence as the other team's fans screamed and celebrated and took pictures with a trophy that was supposed be ours.  It was a sick feeling.  I don't think there was a Tiger player or fan in that gym who didn't completely expect a win that day.

It's the deadly D...  It's like a wrecking ball swinging through our homes.  It's so powerful it causes us to abandon our marriages, reject our children and walk away from any relationship it can get its tentacles in even our relationship with God.  What could be so powerful you ask???  DISAPPOINTMENT.

disappoint- to fail to fulfill the expectation or wishes of.

expectation- to look forward to, to regard as likely to happen.

I know disappointment well.  Disappointment has eroded away at my happiness like a cancer.  It has stolen my joy and robbed me of living life to the fullest.  The D word has ruined friendships and relationships, it has taken years of my life and because of the D word I have been a "Mad White Lady" for a long time and I'm sick of it.

Over the years I have set myself up for disappointment because I had expectations (regard as likely to happen) that were completely unrealistic.  I held the people in my life hostage to expectations they couldn't fulfil and I held a HOLY GOD to expectations that He had no obligation to keep.

I remember walking arm and arm through the sanctuary with Etta James belting out "At Last", and  thinking... At last... at last I've found the one, the one who will make all the things right.  We were deeply in love and it seemed the whole world was singing with us that day and I know for me there was not a cloud on the horizon that day.  No evidence of impending storms up ahead.  Only bliss.  That day it was just me and my man and a bright future.

There were clouds on the horizon that day though.  There was baggage that we had both hidden away in our separate closets. We brought those bags with us into a new shared space, so those rattling old bones were bound to come out sometime.  My poor husband really had no idea what he was getting himself into...  He had no way of knowing that in him, I expected to find everything I had ever needed.  It was a heavy weight for him to bear and it was a crushing disappointed for me when fairy tales turned into real life.

Mentally I shifted all of my expectation on the next unsuspecting person who came along...  a beautiful brown-eyed little angel wrapped in pink.  In her I hoped to find everything I had been unable to find anywhere else.  I hoped she would complete me.  We were home from the hospital only a short time before I realized...  oops I had done it again.  My unrealistic expectations of motherhood left me with another layer of soul crushing disappointment.  Not only was I NOT the best mother in the world, It was a slap in the face to find out I didn't know anything about motherhood and babies cry a lot and they are soooooo needy...  What about MEEEEEE?!?!?

And so it goes...

The storms clouds were brewing and the horizon was becoming increasingly dark...  one unmet expectation after the next was creating a perfect storm.  And then my mom was diagnosed with cancer at 52.  I expected her to beat the cancer.  She was young and she had so much life to live.  She  had grandbabies to watch grow.  I FULLY expected that she was going to be healed.  I believed that she had been healed when she went into remission and my world was torn apart when her cancer came back with a fury.

I walked through a cloud of fog for months after she was gone.  I was in shock.  How could this be?  It wasn't supposed to be this way.  SHE WAS 52 and I wanted her back.  AND I WAS MADDDDDDDD.  This was the last straw in a long line of disappointments...

And I was mad for a long time.

I EXPECTED things to be different.  I realize now with age and life experience that I set myself up for a lot of that disappointment.  Like the Tigers walking into that gym that day with only thoughts of victory on their minds I too only expected a glorious future of wins.  Loss was nowhere on my radar, but that is NOT life.

So, how do we deal with disappointment in a healthy way?  As I watched those boys come out of that locker room with red rimmed eyes I took lessons in how they dealt with this crushing disappointment.  

We cry.  We hug.  We take time to reflect on what went wrong and we learn.  We listen to the Coach tell us how proud he is of our improvement and hard work.  We hear him say he's looking forward to the next fours years and all the possibilities before us.  We take pics with that 2nd place trophy and thank the people who helped us get to where we are... and then we get in that gym tomorrow and put the work in again.  Next year we will walk into that gym knowing anything is possible and we will be a little more prepared than before.

I'm reminded of Joseph...  sitting in prison as an innocent man, having been sold into slavery by his brothers and falsely accused of rape...  talk about disappointment... but the Bible repeats over and over again "The Lord was with him."  As children of God... we trust.  We TRUST when we don't understand.  When we would beat our chest and cry out "it's not supposed to be this way"... we TRUST.

We have confident assurance in the love of GOD and the GOODNESS of GOD...

"Why, my soul, are you so dejected?  Why are you in such turmoil? Put your HOPE in GOD, for I will still praise Him, my Savior and my God." Psalms 42:11

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten SON that WHOEVER believes in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life."  John 3:16

We are assured of the love and the good will of our God, through the life, death, and resurrection of His son JESUS CHRIST and no matter what life may throw our way we rest in knowing we have a hope and a future in HIM.