Live Loved

I just sat there for a while with a pit in my stomach.  My heart was racing and the dread I felt at that moment was palpable.  I was holding the phone in my hand, knowing what I was going to find, but not wanting to actually see the evidence with my eyes.  I knew that things had been different lately.  There was a disconnect that hadn't been there before, but I didn't know how to reach her.  She just wasn't the person I knew.  I was sure that it all had to stem from the little device I held in my hand and I wasn't sure that my heart could handle what I was going to find.

From the day that I knew I was pregnant with a little girl she become the crowning jewel of my life.  In some way she would be my redemption.  I hoped and prayed she could be all that I never was and my one greatest fear was that she would be just like me.  I remember sharing this fear with my mom one day as we were sitting on the front porch together.  I will never forget what she said to me that day and I remember it often when I look at the beautiful daughter that God has blessed me with...  my mom said, "Baby, she's not you.  She's going to grow up in a completely different way than you, with Jesus as the center of your home, it will be different."

That thought was running through my head as I sat there looking at the phone in my lap.  With shaking hands I turned the phone on and fumbled for a minute to figure out the passcode, that just confirmed there was stuff there she didn't want me to see.  I finally figured out the code and after opening her phone I started searching texts and apps to see what was going on.  It didn't take long to find stuff that made me feel a little sick inside, because it didn't seem like she was trying to hide anything at all.  There it was, just a click and I could see all that was hiding in her heart.

I honestly didn't know how I was going to feel at that moment... I guess I imagined myself filled with rage at the rebellion and disrespect, but that was no where near the emotion that I felt at that moment.  I wasn't angry at all, I wasn't disappointed in her...  I was something altogether different...  I was confused.

As I sat there reading messages I couldn't believe what I was seeing...  Here was the most precious jewel in my world, so loved, so adored with so much potential, settling for so much less than real true love.  I couldn't believe how she was selling herself short for a little attention.  Surely she could see what the rest of the world saw and what I her mother saw in her.  She is a pearl of great price, she is treasured, loved, adored.  Her value is so far above what I saw on that phone.  I really couldn't believe that she couldn't see it.  My heart was broken for her because if she could see herself like I saw her she would never settle for believing the lies of this world.

It was in that moment that I caught a glimpse of my Father's love for me.  He whispered gently in my ear, "Angela, that's how I feel about you.  I'm not angry with you about the sin in your life.  Every time you pull away from me and settle for the counterfeit pleasure that this world has to offer my heart breaks for you, because you are worth so much more."

You see I had always thought of God's love as a "have to" kind of love.  I mean He made us and all so He kind of has to love us.  Until that moment I had never fully understood God's love as anything other than obligation.  Sitting there holding that phone in my lap, knowing that I would do ANYTHING in this world to convince her of my love for her, God's love for her, her dad's love for her and of her infinite value and worth, I realized that my Father had been trying to convince me for so long the same truths.

The vision of the LORD walking into the garden, looking forward to spending some time with His children came to my mind.  I can imagine Him looking around wondering where they were.  This hadn't happened before, they were usually so happy to see Him each day.   That day was totally different though, why were they hiding?

I can imagine Adam and Eve... hiding among the trees.  Hearts hard and cold now because of sin.  Fully expecting the worst, barely concealing their rebellion behind a few leaves.

I can see in my mind the moment He sees them standing there in guilt and shame...  and I see Him thinking I wish my love had been enough.

As a parent, looking at my own beautiful child, I think I wish my love was enough for you.  I wish you could see what I see.  I wish you knew how valuable you are to me.  I wish you would believe what I say about you, instead of listening to lies.  I know what those lies will cost you and my heart breaks for you...  but it's up to you.  I can't do it for you.  You have to believe what I say.  You have to accept real love over the counterfeit and you have to trust that I know better than you.  You have to trust me that I see what you do not see.

And I believe that there is something our Father wants to say to us today...

Daughter, you are loved so much more than you could ever understand.  You are a jewel in my crown.  Your value is far above any treasure this world could give.  Daughter, live in MY LOVE today.  I see you as you will be, as I created you to be and I have paid a great price to redeem you.  Don't listen to the lies of this world and don't settle for less than the love that I have displayed on the cross.  Daughter, believe what I say about you.  You are chosen, accepted, adopted, loved and forgiven (Eph. 1).  Live loved today.

Sisters, lets live loved today.

I share this story with permission from my daughter.