Passing the Test

Sitting at the messy kitchen table, covered in books, pencils, and lunch plates with half-eaten turkey sandwiches, sending up a silent prayer that I will have the patience to handle the next few minutes.  It's the worst part of my day...  math time.  Today, is the worst of all days though.  It's test time.  I have to hand it to them this time, there are no tears yet, just snippy comments and eye rolls.  The test is 4 pages long and contains everything we have been learning for the last few months.  Today is the day to see what they really know.

Oh, the things I have seen on test day.  One of my children would kill me, if I told you about the temper tantrums that have been thrown over math.  The tears, the frustration, the feeling of defeat that they would NEVER get this was the biggest land mine that we have had to learn how to avoid.

I have to be honest and say that half of the problem is that I am NOT a math teacher.  I struggled with math in school and I would go back and kick my stupid teenage self and tell her to pay attention, because the question "when are you ever gonna use this" has now been answered.  I'm gonna use it every day of my life, because now I have to teach 5 kids how to do it.

I've been summoned over to the table and invited to sit in between my two oldest kids and "help" them with a problem or 10.  They made it through the first few pages without too much struggle, but those two pages were filled with equations they are now pretty comfortable with.  The last 2 pages are filled with word problems, that have 3 or 4 parts to solve and even though we've been working on it for a week or so, it's still hasn't stuck.

The test is where I find out what they really know and what each one is having a little trouble with, sometimes it's where I realize they don't know it at all and it's time to go back and practice that a little more.  The important thing isn't that they could do the work each day as we practiced it... the important thing is that they know it enough to be tested.

CAN YOU PASS THE TEST?

Listening to my kids grumble about how "math is stupid" and "why do we even have to do this" and "who cares, we won't ever use this in real life" and "Mom, it's TOO HARD", I think about how I've acted lately when I've been tested.  I've been doing a lot of eye-rolling, foot-stomping and crying in frustration because, "WHY, do I have to go through this?",  "WHY do I even need to know this?  Haven't I do enough practice already?"

Listening to my kids gripe and complain and cry about math has given me the chance to see myself from my Father's perspective.  Having already completed my school experience I know what's coming in the next few years.  I know that what they are doing right now is a stepping stone that only leads to another stepping stone and one day they will be working math equations that look more like Spanish than math. They will think back to this stuff and remember how easy it was.  I know they have to get this today or they will be clueless in the future.  I know that what they are doing in math today is nothing compared to what they are going to be doing in the years to come.  I also know that we can NOT move on until they get it enough to pass the test.

I know there's a big difference between knowing something, being able to do it at in any time or any circumstance and just kinda sorta thinking you might know it.  So, being the faithful Father that He is, God will patiently sit with me and help me learn this lesson until I get it.  Then He will test me to see if I really get it.  Then He will sit down with me and go over what I got right and what I missed.  Later, He will probably test me again to see if I really get it.  It might take me a while, but He doesn't mind that.  I might cry and complain and say I can't do it, but He knows better.  I might stomp and have a temper tantrum, but He's too faithful to let me stay in that place for long.

One day last week when I was having a really crappy day and getting pretty frustrated with the circumstances in my life, angry with God for holding out on an answer to prayers that I felt like I had been praying for too long...  a friend text asking how I was doing.  I truthfully answered her question with a mile long text, unloading on her all my frustrations and fears.  I told her how I had just been thinking about just taking care of this situation on my own and forget waiting around on God.  I'm sure she rolled her eyes on the other end of the line, thinking about all the things we have been learning about faith in Bible study, and how easily I would throw my hands up in surrender.  Being a good friend she reminded that sometimes God's answers take a while, but He is faithful to answer them.

Later, that night, after waking from a dream I had a few words from a verse that I vaguely remembered whispering through my mind...  something about faith being testing and being more valuable than gold.  Reaching for my phone, of course I googled the few words "faith more valuable" and up popped I Peter 1:-7, tapping on the first link that came up, I read the verses and cried.

"You rejoice in this, even though for a short time, if necessary, you suffer grief in various trials, SO THAT THE PROVEN CHARACTER OF YOUR FAITH- MORE VALUABLE THAN GOLD, which though perishable, is REFINED BY FIRE- May result in praise, glory, and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ." I Peter 1:6-7

To be honest...  I don't want my faith tested.  I don't want to be refined by fire.  I don't want to suffer (in any regard).  I want my life to be exactly the way I want it to be.  I want money in the bank, kids that listen, days that are peaceful, friends that make me laugh and can hang out on a regular basis, I want a marriage that takes no work, I want comfort and ease, I want plenty and popularity, I want people to love me and never be mad at me.  I want my life to be completely stress free.  I have realized that one thing I really don't like more than all others is having to trust an invisible God with my life.  Faith is so completely out of my character.  I want CONTROL.  I want to fix.  I want answers and I want them to come easily.  I don't want to have to learn news things.   I don't want to keep working on a problem til I get it.

It's taking  a really long time for me to understand that control is an illusion. There is just too much I don't know for me to be the god and queen of my own life.   Even though I fight Him tooth and nail and kick and scream and stomp to my room, yelling that I will never be able to do this...  He is faithful.  He won't let me have my own way... because it's no good for me.

So, He will sit with me and patiently walk me through the problem again.  He will work with me day after day, until one day I have an "ah ha" moment.  He will help me and encourage me and tell me why it's important and he will remind me of how far I've come.  He will hold me when I cry. He will refute the lie that I can't do it.  One day I will know with absolute certainty how proud He is of me for staying at it, even when I wanted to quit, because to Him my faith is more valuable than gold.

Through the years I will be tested on this thing again...  and there will be harder things down the road.  There will be new lessons to learn and their will be many more tests, of this I am sure... because the proof that I really know it will only show when I am able to pass the test.

"Now FAITH is the REALITY of what is hoped for, THE PROOF of what is not see."  Hebrews 11:1