Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Killing Me Softly

Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me softly with his song

I'm cooking breakfast, but my mind is elsewhere...  I'm dwelling on Luke 9:24 "For whoever will save his life shall lose it: but whoever will lose his life for my sake, the same shall save it."   The verse right before this Jesus is telling his disciples that if they are going to follow him they must deny themselves.  Paul says "I die daily".

My mind is on these verses and I'm going through the motions of the mundane duties that I perform daily.  This song "Killing me softly" and wondering what the rest of the words to this post should be and how can I convey what is in my heart?! 

And then it happens...  A tiny death.  There is the baby covered in oatmeal with his plate thrown on the floor.  Another mess.  My death may not look like yours, but just plug your details in and you get the picture.  A long time ago I felt God ask me to give him complete control of my life, including children.  I felt Him ask me to trust him and allow him to grow my family.  At the time I was single and only had dreams of a husband and family.  To me this sounded amazing.  I had always wanted a big family.  I had always dreamed of the wonders of motherhood.  I had NO IDEA it would be hard.   When my first child was born I felt that our family was called to Homeschool.  I had NO IDEA it would be hard.   Please understand that I love being a mom.  I love my children and I still would not do things any other way...  but, these things are my die daily.

Looking at the mess on the baby makes me tired.  I'm weary of the mess.  I'm weary of the whining.  I'm weary of the daily training that goes along with small ones.  I am seeing amazing things in my older children and I think how much easier my life would be if this wee little one was my last little one.  I dream dreams of freedom to do whatever it is that I want to do and I die daily to myself, because I don't know what He has in store for me.  This little one could be my last or there could be more little people to love.  I don't know, but I lay my life down and take up His will for me.  In this moment I surrender my life. 

Some of you might think these private thoughts are horrible.  You think how dare I and how you would love to be in my shoes.  Maybe you have never had children and you think I am horrible to call motherhood a death to self, but I know me and I know the selfishness that plagues me.  I know when I say I'm dying it's not that they are the problem.  It's me.  It's the fact that I would pursue ease and comfort and pleasure and waste my life on me if I had the choice.  I know that my choices would be different if I did not surrender my life to him daily. 

My surrender may not look like yours.  The beautiful thing about our God is that he fashioned us all individually.  We are all fearfully and wonderfully made.  Unique creatures of a very creative God.  He has plans and purposes for our lives.  He is working things out in us and this is just the way he is working in me.

I think about the way He is killing me softly and I love him even more.  I realize that He is recreating me through motherhood and I surrender again.

What is your surrender?  How do you die daily.  Is it painful for you?  I know that I will only find my life when I lay it down.  I know his will for me is better than mine.  His ways higher than mine... 

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