One minute I'm tying my babies shoes getting them ready to go to the grandparents and the next I'm overcome by sadness and tears. Normally this would be a very joyous moment for me (a few hours with the husband by ourselves), but here I am crying my eyes out. What in the world just happened. GRIEF...
My mom passed away two months ago. I kinda of know what to expect from grief because right after she died I had no feelings at all, so I looked up the stages of grief and there I was right there at the beginning in shock. A state that I would describe more as numb, emotionless. At the funeral I was even happy, not that she had left us, but we are followers of Christ so for us death is the beginning of a new life with Christ... without sickness, pain, and suffering. I could rationalize everything through that knowledge. That's not the end of grief though... Grief is a process that takes time. Grief is something you have to experience to bring healing.
I don't know all the stages it's been awhile and I'm not an expert, but I remember that there is denial, anger, and at some point acceptance... In there somewhere and at the most random times are episodes of the most intense pain and longing that I have ever felt. Breakdowns to say the least. Times when you just have to feel... you can't rationalize the pain away... you just have to feel it. As humans this is where a problem can really occur though... we are a society who does not like to FEEL pain. We run from it to drugs, alcohol, food, and many other things to escape the pain. Then we have a bigger problem.
So, yesterday I just let the wave of grief wash over me and beat against my soul. I made a conscious decision to feel the pain for the first time fully and completely. I decided to not be ashamed of what other people saw or that they might be uncomfortable. I was thankful that my children were leaving and I accepted the comfort and support of my husband. I took his hand and hug when it was offered. I didn't brush off the comfort, but I really accepted it. Then I called my brother on the phone, and talked to the one person who could relate completely with what I was going through. He was having a good day, but he had just recently had a day like this, and he knew exactly what I was feeling and thinking... Then I talked to a friend and shared my heart with her.
I decided that it's okay to have those moments and I had one. I decided that I miss her like CRAZY and I want her back and that that's ok too. I decided that I didn't know what other people were going through and I thought that "Time healed all things", but that's a LIE. I've heard people who have lost parents and children say you never get over it, you eventually accept a NEW NORMAL.
So, I'm on this journey... and I pray that the Lord will help me deal with this Grief in a good way!!!