Nobody Knows Better Than Me

Sitting at a table, in a room with four very special women.  Women who let me come each week and lead them in bible study and I wonder why?  Why do they keep coming?  Doubts plague me continually.  My stomach aches and I'm afraid all my fearful thoughts are written across my face, but I do it anyway.  I open my mouth and expose my deepest fears...  I feel God leading me to take a bigger step in faith.  How about we take the Bible Study away for bit and teach them all the things I've hidden in your heart?  Just take the Word and share it.

The Bible Studies that other people have done are my comfort zone.  I like them.  I just show up each week and cover someone else's work.  No personal responsibility, no risk.

We have a small group on this night and again I fear that's a reflection of me...  I've run everybody off.  I'm not good enough...  I'm not good enough...  I'm not good enough...  repeats in my head.  As I bow my head and share my heart and tears flow from my eyes four beautiful friends tell me I can.  I can do this and they are going to be with me the whole way.  They each speak life into my soul that night and encourage me to take that step in the water.  Leaving church I feel like maybe I can.

But really, who do I think I am?  I'm the homeschool mom, who struggles to teach her kid math.  I'm the one in the kitchen with too many irons in the fire, distractedly burning half of what she cooks.  I'm the woman who starts things and never finishes.  I'm the woman who gets tired and wants to run away.  I'm the mom who flies off the handle (literally, the witches broom) and yells at her kids.

Don't you know who I am Lord?  You know I'm still just that messed up kid that you called 20 years ago.  The one who couldn't get her act together.  I have no degrees, no letters behind my name...  I'm a nobody... and nobody knows that better than me.

Nevertheless, I will NEVER forget the day, a long time ago, that you whispered to my heart that "Joshua wasn't Moses."  You were starting a new thing with us and we were unsure if we should take that step...  I mean who were we to fill the shoes of someone as great as John and Christy Barnes, but when we had absolutely nothing to qualify us, you chose to call us to youth ministry.

Joshua wasn't the great renowned Moses.  He was the guy in the background.  He was the guy, who followed the venerable Moses for forty years, but never suspected that he would be his successor.  When Moses passed the baton, walked up the mountain and left the job in Joshua's hands I'm sure he was terrified.  How can you follow an act like that?

When the time came for the promise to be fulfilled, and the Children of Israel to enter the promised land God removed the most qualified leader and called a new man.  WHY?

Why would God do that?  My guess is so all eyes would be on Him.  My guess is that God wanted all the glory for bringing the children of Israel into their new land and defeating their enemies.  My guess is that God wanted eyes off of Moses, because he was merely a man and on Him, because He alone was their strength and salvation.

What I know for sure is Isaiah 55:8 says, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways." declares the Lord.

Quietly, for forty years, in the shadows of a hero, God was equipping a new man to lead on.  God was preparing and molding a man who would follow his commands completely.  He was teaching Joshua to listen and obey, to be strong and courageous.  He was teaching him to follow the Lord, so that he could lead the people well.  But when God called him I can imagine only one thought running through his mind...  "But, I'm not Moses!"

Nobody knows more than me... the reasons why I am not the person that others would choose, but maybe that's why me?!  Why me???  Only one answer comes to mind as I ask myself and the Lord over and over again...

and this is it... "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my POWER is made perfect in WEAKNESS."  2 Corinthians 12:9

and "But God chose the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to confound the strong."

Even though Joshua wasn't Moses, God chose him, called him and equipped him to carry out his mission.  I guess He will do the same with me.