Hard to love.

I have 5 children, each one of them unique, beautiful, and challenging in their own ways... but I have this one...  don't judge me, but he is hard to love.  I don't mean the feeling of love... although there are days and times that even that is in question, but I mean hard to love in practical ways. 

The child argues with me about EVERYTHING... although I realize this is a parenting flaw for not nipping this thing  in the bud, just feel for me right now.  He would live off of junk from dawn to midnight, which he thinks is an appropriate bedtime for a child of 9.  He would try to enter college (only to play football), without even an elementary graduation, because in his mind school is pointless.  His expectation for a large portion of his day is to eat crap and sit in front of any screen.   He moves from the couch in front of the TV, to my phone, where he checks IG (not his), fantasy FB, and  the upcoming schedule of every sport know to man.  After he's had his fill of the phone, it's "mom can I play the xbox?"  No matter how long he's been in front of any of those screens, he has a conniption every time he is told to get off.  God forbid I told him no in the first place. 

Now lest I make him out to be all bad, he is the life of our house.  He is laughter and fun.  Always up for a party and making people laugh.  He's always dancing and singing.  His eyes twinkle with hidden magic and he crushes me in his hugs daily.  He's the first one of my children to say "I love you, mom."  And when he actually does like what I do or say, he is equally expressive about his excitement. 

I feel bipolar throughout the day, because when he's happy with me I'm the best mom EVER, and when he's not I'm the worst.  But the funny thing to me is it's ALWAYS what's good for him or what is best for him that he doesn't like.  All the things he's upset with me about are actually all the things that are good for him...

Educating him, feeding him veggies, limiting his screen time and junk food, making him do chores and all the other horrible things I force upon him, are actually the times when I'm loving him.  Love is an action.  It's doing what's best for the other person.   It's only when I'm fed up with him and not liking him very much, that I throw my hand up in the air and say, "do whatever you want to do."  It's at that point that I've stopped caring. 

After a particularly hard school day this week I escaped outside to my patio and threw my prayers up to heaven, feeling defeated and frustrated, I asked "why, what, how"  Why?  What do I do about it?  How do I turn this ship around? 

Sadly, as I sat in that chair pounding on heaven's door, feeling sorry for myself...  I heard the faint whisper...  he is just like you. 

OH MY GOSH...  He is JUST LIKE ME.  When my life is exactly the way I want it... I praise God.  He is wonderful and amazing and wise and faithful.   BUT, when I don't like what's going on in my life or he says "no" or if I have to wait or if I can't make sense of my circumstances, hell hath no fury like Angela, not pleased. 

I want everything the way I want it.  Forget the fact that I am not the all-powerful, all-knowing, commander of my own destiny...  Half the time I don't want to get out of bed and I can't function unless I've had 3 cups of coffee and sometimes the simplest things in life get me down.  Forget that I would live off diet coke and chocolate.   Forget that I would utterly destroy my life, if given half the chance.  Forget that all I want is happiness and entertainment and parties...  I still think I'm wiser than God and better able to  determine what I need in life, and if he get's in the way of what I've decided I want, I pout, cry, whine, and throw fits.  I am hard to love and I would never have recognized it, if I didn't see it in my hard to love child. 

Thankfully, my heavenly Father is NOT like me at all.  He says, "no power in  heaven or hell can separate me from his love.  Nothing I do will exasperate him so much that he throws his hands up and checks out on me.   He loves me enough to not let me have my way and for that I am undone.  As much trouble as I give him, and he keeps right on doing what's best for me, whether I like him for it or not. 

His love is beyond my understanding.  His faithfulness endures forever.  His mercy is new everyday.  His ways better than our ways.  His thoughts higher than our thoughts.  Today...  I want to believe all this and trust Him to know better than I do.