It's all over. The preparing, shopping, baking, decorating, visiting and festivities are all over and I'm left with the calm after the storm. The quiet. The emptiness has crept in and my mind swirls with anxious thoughts. In all the busyness of the holidays I left my first love. I know he's waiting for me but I shun his love for what the world around me offers. It didn't take long for me to become completely consumed in my thoughts and drown in rejection, depression, and anxiety once again. The further I stray from the lover of my soul the more shame keeps me from returning to Him. So, I ignore the still, small voice that gently calls me to turn around and find what I'm looking for. Surely He doesn't want me like this. He knows how I have spent my days, the thoughts I'm thinking, the fact that He is not what I'm longing for at all.
My Bible sits unopened on my side table. I know I should reach for it first, but I grab my phone and check my texts, scroll Facebook, and check IG. I'm going to ignore that nagging feeling I get, because I know what I need to do. My thoughts swirl into a mess and I know I should turn them into prayers, but I don't. My mind feasts on the sadness. I know I should be happy. I have so much to be happy about, but my mind won't allow me that luxury. I know I should be happy and I that I have it so much better than a lot of people, but I cannot seem to still these runaway thoughts. I know I am loved, but never enough. I know I'm wanted by some and that should be enough, but it never is.
It doesn't take long for my thoughts to dictate everything in my life. I know I shouldn't eat that, but it will make me feel momentarily better. I know shopping isn't going to fix things, but the urge to get out of the house and spend money is almost more than I can resist. Even as I reach for the Diet Coke I tell myself it's not going to help. What's next? Puppies... maybe I need a puppy. Scrolling for puppies takes up half a day and those cute little faces convince me that will be the answer to my emptiness. If I had a puppy everything would be right in the world. Or maybe I need a new car or maybe I need new shoes, new clothes, new friends. I just NEED.
I am my beloved's and He is mine. -Song of Solomon.
He will not let me go this way for long. No scolding. He knows that's not what I need. I do that to myself enough. Just a gentle reminder that I am His and He is mine. All the love this universe can hold is mine from the One who fashioned me in His hands. A gentle reminder that nothing in this world will ever satisfy my thirsty soul. A reminder that what I am really longing for is HIM.
"As the deer pants for the water brooks, so pants my soul after YOU, O GOD." Psalms 42:1
My soul longs for you. I am weary and thirsty. I strayed too far away from my source. I was disoriented and I couldn't find my way.
"My soul thirsts for God, for the living God..." vs 2
"When I REMEMBER these things..." vs 4
"Why are you cast down, O my soul? Why are you disquieted within me? HOPE THOU IN GOD: for I shall yet praise Him for the help of His presence." vs 5
"Yet the Lord will command His loving-kindness in the daytime, and in the night his song shall be with me, and my prayer unto the God of my life." vs 8
He calls me to come to Him. He reminds me of His love. He reminds me that He is all I need. I forget over and over again, but He reminds me.
Remembering is the key that unlocks my mind. I remember and drink in His Word. I gulp it up, because I've been running too fast and too long. My fear, my sadness, rejection, loneliness, self-hate had me trapped. But I am His... those things can't have me, because I am His. I am loved, the price paid for me is too high to let me go. He will never let me go. I stray, but He always brings me back. I am wounded, but He is the healer. I think I'm rejected, but He reminds me I've been chosen. I let my failures separate us, but His GRACE restores me.
It will happen again. I will forget. He will whisper to my soul to remember. He will gently draw me back to Him. I will find what I was longing for all along... What no human can give me, what no thing can offer, what this world advertises, but can never supply... My soul longs for God.
When my soul is cast down, Lord help me remember.