Impatient. Frustrated. Bone-weary tired. It's been a looooonnng week. Sleepless nights. Midnight puke sessions. 20 loads of laundry. Another child starts this afternoon. It's been a long day. A baby without a nap and a mommy at the end of her strength makes for a rough bed time. He has fussed and wanted to be held a few times today, so I would pick him up quickly, give him a cuddle and set off to do another chore that must get done. I have this dream that one day my house will be clean and the laundry will all be done at the same time, so I tried to make that dream come true today... Momma didn't have much time for cuddling.
I had all I could take of his crying at the dinner table and realized too late that he hadn't had a nap, he should've been in bed an hour ago. I yank his fussy self up and take him to my room to change him into his jammies and lay him down for bed, but he's crying for his big brother, because he usually goes to bed with him, but not tonight. Then he's crying because I won't read him a book, it's too late for that. He's crying and crying and all I want is for him to calm down and go quickly to sleep like he should because he's out of his mind tired. All I want is to be done today. I just want to sit on the couch in the dark and stare into a screen and let my mind go numb for a while. My nerves are shot. I'm angry with him for being so difficult so I pick him up and take him to his room and put him in his bed. I'm just done. He just sobs. I plop down on the floor beside his bed defeated and frazzled. As the anger starts to fade away I realize this IS all my fault. It's my fault he didn't have a nap. It's my fault he is over tired and freaking out about everything. It's my fault that he didn't have his usual bedtime routine and he's all out of sorts. It's my fault he is laying there crying.
When I think back through the events of this day and all the times I gave him a quick cuddle, when he came to me to be held, instead of taking the time to really hold him it makes me sad. My heart softens when I remember how little he still is and that he just wants a little mommy time. I had to pick up my little one and hold him in my arms. That's all he wanted. He cuddled up next to me and I breathed in his scent and my whole body relaxed and I remembered this is really it. This is what I'm doing with my life. The dishes, laundry, and mess don't really matter. He matters. I needed to hold him as much as he needed to be held, because I had forgotten what was really important. He fell asleep easily in my arms and I put him back in his bed and left the room feeling lighter than before.
In a few minutes it was time to put my 5 yr old to bed and I sat beside him awhile and listened to him sing and thought about how he doesn't get right under my arm anymore. There was a time he couldn't fall asleep unless he was right next to me, but not anymore, he's a big boy now. When did that happen? I thought about how quickly he has grown and all the ways he has matured in the last year... where was I? I was here, stressing about laundry and dishes and school. Now he's not my little guy anymore. I decided I better hold on to that minute for a few more... and soon he was asleep too.
Now I'm sitting here in the dark, looking at this screen. It's quiet and I can have that time I so desperately wanted and not one minute later than I would have. I didn't have to do all that stressing and huffing. I didn't have to get so mad. I could have enjoyed that time a little bit more if I had remembered what I'm really doing with my life. I chose to have these little children and sometimes the work load that comes with them makes me forget what it's really all about. I get my mind on having a clean house and forget time is passing so quickly. One day soon they will be gone living their own lives and I will miss all of this.
Do you ever have those moments when you just realize your forgot what you were living for?