I just went to bed. I didn't care what happened outside my bedroom door. The day had been an epic disaster. I wanted to blame them (my children) for everything. I wanted it to be all their fault, but I knew it was me. I had made a huge mess. It started with math... no explanation needed if you have ever tried to teach math... it ended with an explosion and a threat that they would all be in the school around the corner next year. When the anger finally gave way to the breakdown and my emotions were all played out I just did the only thing I could do... I climbed in the bed and shut my eyes. Let them all take care of themselves, I had screwed it all up.
When I woke up it was dark outside. I wrestled between the choice to stay in that bed (and let dad order pizza) or get up and make dinner, even though it would be late and little people would be starving. Finally, I decided 2 wrongs don't make a right... I needed to put my big girl panties on and do what needed to be done. I mean really what is the difference between the fit she threw about math saying "I can't do it, it's too hard" and the fit I was throwing about being a wife, mom, and homeschooler?
Attitude is everything isn't it? The first equation she had done on the whiteboard took her less than a minute... after her attitude change the very next equation took her 2 hours. She knew how to do it. We've been working on this for 2 weeks. Nothing had changed, except her attitude. As I lay in that bed I realized the same was true with me... I knew how to do this, but my attitude had changed and now I just wanted to give up and say "this is too hard, I can't do it".
After you screw things up you have to go back to the basics. What do you know to be true? Well, I KNOW that God has called me to homeschool (no matter how I feel). I know that I can't send them to school, because this is my journey. This is my sanctification, which is just a big word that means "to make holy" I'm NOT holy... I'm so far from holy it's sad, but this side of heaven is all about me becoming more like my Savior Jesus, and this is the way God has decided to clean me up. This is the way God has decided to work out my sin.
Sanctify- to make holy, to purify, TO MAKE PRODUCTIVE OF OR CONDUCIVE TO SPIRITUAL BLESSING.
You see as believers in Christ we have been blessed with ALL spiritual blessings (eph 2), BUT we have to be made productive for those blessings. It's a work that God is doing in our life, using the hard things to purify us. To make us Holy. Sometimes it hurts.
Abram had been blessed with spiritual blessing and promises, BUT Abram had screwed up royally. Abram needed a do-over. Twenty-four years had passed since God had first called Abram out of Ur. Along the way Abram had made some big mistakes. Along the way Abram had learned about the character of this invisible God. He had learned about mercy. He had learned about grace. He had learned about the power of God.
After 24 years God comes to Abram again and renews his promise. I'm sure that Abram knew that if the plan could be messed up, then he had messed it up. What a relief to Abram to know that God was not through with him yet... In fact this was the beginning, not the end.
"And when Abram was 99 years old, the LORD appeared to Abram, and said unto him, "I am the Almighty God; walk before me, and be blameless."
In human terms this was the end. Abram was 99. He was old. He had screwed up. Surely after Abe is dead God can choose someone a little younger, someone a little less likely to screw up and start over, BUT God is just getting started.
God comes and appears to Abram. I could stop right here and that would be enough. How amazing that GOD came to man. WHAT??? Then instead of saying "Look Abe you have royally screwed up my plan." He says "I am the Almighty God."
You see it's not about us. We are limited to this human flesh and God knows we are weak... It's about HIM. The name that God chooses to use for himself in Hebrew is 'EL SHADDAI'... the Almighty God.
EL- the powerful, mighty, eternal God.
SHADDAI- comes from the root word, "shad" which in the Hebrew word for breast.
It literally means the breasted one.
This is a picture of God himself as a nursing mother.
Think about that... a nursing mother supplies every need of her child. A baby is completely dependent upon the mother. A baby can do nothing for himself. Only the mother can meet his needs. As this relates to God- He is the God of total provision.
God revealed himself to Abram through this name because he wanted Abram to know that He was the ALL POWERFUL ONE- He was about to promise Abram that he at 100 and Sarai at 90 were going to have a son. He was about to bring life from a dead womb. He was just getting started. God wanted to reveal to Abram that HE was the supplier of all of his needs. God wanted him to know that outside of EL SHADDAI, he would need nothing.
I know God has been trying to show me this for a while... He is the only one that can satisfy me. He is the all sufficient One. If I have Him, I have all I need. Just like a baby who only needs a mother to thrive and be satisfied. He is the powerful God who will perform his plan in my life. I'm just the bystander. I CAN'T jack this thing up.
His grace is sufficient for me, His strength made perfect IN MY WEAKNESS. He didn't choose me to homeschool and to have a house full of kids because He looked down and thought "wow, she'll be so good at this".
I'm sure it went a little like this... God looked down and said "Wow, that girl is a mess. I choose her, then everyone will know I did this." The bible says that God takes the weak things of the world to confound the wise. When my kids grow up and anything amounts from this adventure we have been on, my mind will be blown, and I will glorify the LORD, because I know what happened inside these walls and if we succeed it will be because of the All Mighty God.
IF there is anything that God wants me to know in this season of life it's this... He is the All powerful, mighty God who supplies ALL my needs. That is exactly what He wanted Abram to know as well.
"And we KNOW that ALL things (good or bad) work together for the good of them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose." Rom 8:28
I know you might be feeling overwhelmed. I know you might be feeling like you don't measure up, but take heart friend, it's not up to you. God didn't choose you because he thought you could do this thing. Draw near to the Father as a nursing child would draw near to his mother and allow him to meet your needs are do all things for you.