The Way I See God

 "It's that in the universe God has chosen to actualize, LOVE IS THE HIGHEST VALUE, and love demands a choice, and a choice demands freedom." (God has a name) John Mark Comer

Before I get started I was to say I'm not complaining, I'm just sharing my story.  

There are seasons when it's really hard to see God.  I am in that season.  When I look around at the world and the time in history that I find myself in it's hard to see that there is an ALL-Powerful, Creator, who rules over all of this.  With so much war, calamity, violence and chaos in this world...  I find myself like millions of other people asking the question...  Where are you God?  

Like the Psalmist, who asked the question, "When will you rise up, LORD?"

In my own personal life I have often had seasons where I was stuck in the quagmire of doubt and despair... lost to hopelessness and self-pity, crying out to the God I know has the power, but seems unwilling to answer my prayers.  The valleys of life hide the sun and all I can see is the mountain.  

Other times I find myself on top of the mountain with a depth of assurance and serenity so deep if feels like nothing could bring me down.  I see God so clearly at these times.  His Power, Majesty and Glory undeniable.  

I've lived long enough to know I need both seasons in my life.  If I'm on the mountain too long, I start to forget how weak I really am apart from God.  I start to enjoy the Glory without the God.

In the valleys of life when I'm hopeless, desperate, confused, angry, weak and empty... I remember.  I remember the God who loves me and who has saved me from myself over and over again.  It's then that I cry out to Him in desperation, knowing He is my only hope, my Rock, my Refuge, my Deliverer.

I remember, "For you, Lord, are kind and ready to forgive, ABOUNDING in faithful LOVE to all who call on you.  Lord, hear my prayer, listen to my plea for mercy.  I WILL CALL ON YOU IN MY DAY OF DISTRESS AND YOU WILL ANSWER ME."  Psalms 86:5-7

This last year has been a valley season for me.  A season of pain mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.  The Bible says that "Jacob wrestled with the Lord" for a night...  I feel like I have wrestled with the Lord for my whole life.  

When my oldest son was little, we would wrestle all the time, and I never took it easy on him.  I would hold him down and tickle him or put my hair all in his face until he was begging for mercy.  I was kind of a bully to him, but he loved it and always came back for more.  In the years leading up to his teens I know he couldn't wait for the day that he was bigger and stronger than me and he looked forward to the moment when he could best me.  He didn't have to wait long.  By the time he was 12 years old he towered over me and he was definitely stronger than me.   Today as a grown man he laughs in my face when I start to pester him.  Before I can even get close to him, he holds out his long arm and grabs me by the forehead and holds me far away from his body where all I can do is flail and eventually hurt myself all while he looks at me like I'm a little gnat.

That's what I mean when I say I've been wrestling with God...  There's really not a fight...  just me flailing and Him holding me by the forehead waiting patiently for me to tire myself out, holding me up so I don't hurt myself in the process.  

Like I said this year has been hard for me.  I started early last year dealing with some random health issues that I can't seem to get under control. Eventually I realized that my body was going through a lot of changes and not having an easy transition.  I'm not going to go into details but suffice it to say everything I am going through has left me feeling like shell of my former self.  

I feel like my womanhood has been stolen.  

When I was a young fiancé on the cusp of being a bride... I felt beautiful and worthy of the love and attention I received from my future husband.  

When my children were young I felt vital... like I was the center of their universe.  I felt purpose and meaning in all my long, hard days and even in the long, sleepless nights.  

My children have gotten older and need me less, they are finding their own way in the world, and I love watching them bloom and become all that God wants them to be. I don't even really miss the old days when they were little because as adults they have become my favorite people on the planet.  I even look forward to the days when my children will have their own children.  

One of the hardest transitions in my life has been the loss of the young, beautiful bride walking down the aisle to the man, who would vow to love her for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part."

On that day when we said those vows I was blissfully unaware of the worse, poor, sickness part of those vows.  All I could see that day was the glorious, beautiful life that we would build together.  It was filled with unicorns and rainbows.  This would be the beginning of paradise on earth.  And the man looking at me like I had come down from heaven was all my hopes and dreams come true.

Fast-forward to today...  I have slept little if any in the last couple of weeks.  Most nights I find myself on the couch because I toss and turn all night and I don't want to keep my husband up.  My body feels like it's at war with me and the visible representation of that keeps me at home a lot.  I've missed many of my son's senior year activities and that kills me.

All in all I feel miserable physically, which takes a toll on my emotional and mental state.  Even though my outside world is everything I've ever wanted my inside world is chaos.  

Last night was more of the same.  I couldn't sleep.  I feel like crap.  I look like crap.  I'm in pain a lot.  I, like the woman with the issue of blood, have tried everything.  I've gone to doctors, who can't tell me what's wrong.  I've been on various meds, that have helped for a moment but have caused other problems that have added to the list of ailments that are driving me crazy.  I have bought everything off the internet I see that might potentially help.  I've shelled out money for every vitamin, supplement and peptide that I can find, but nothing really helps.

I've never really dealt with being chronically ill...  and now I know a tiny fraction of what other people deal with.  For this I am grateful...  this has opened my eyes and made me very empathetic to people who are suffering is ways far worse than me, especially children who are chronically ill and the parents who spend their lives taking care of them and their life-savings looking for answers and ways to help them.  

"This morning after another sleepless, miserable night I walked into the kitchen wanting to be invisible.  My husband was standing at the coffee pot and he turned to me, but I was determined to ignore him, because I look like a homeless crackhead. I feel ugly and tired and depressed and just blah, miles away from blushing bride he pledged his life to.  In this state I feel like I don't deserve his love, so I often reject him.  I like to self-isolate and lick my wounds in private.  I don't want to be seen and known.

I struggle with a deep-seated fear of rejection and debilating insecurity most of the time so my answer to that is to reject first so I can protect myself.  Even after 22 years of faithful love, I continue to believe somewhere in my subconscious that this will be the "worse" that he just can't handle.  

But no...  that's not who he is.  He is love.  He is the smile that greats me in the morning no matter what happened the night before.  He is the steady anchor to my chaos storm.  He is the groom standing at the coffee pot happy to see his bride, even though she looks like a homeless vagabond.  He is the hug that envelopes me and breaks my pride and mends my heart.  

He is the visible, physical manifestation of the one who walked this earth and healed the sick and gave sight to the blind, he is the picture of Jesus that helps me see what love actually looks like.  

No, he's not perfect.  No, our marriage is not perfect.  We are normal just like everyone else.  We have our ups and downs.  We have the things that annoy us and makes us crazy with each other...

But, no matter what through-out our almost 23 years of marriage...  He has always been the one thing that helped me see God. 

The Bible says God is love... and love is patient and kind, love does not envy, is not boastful, is not arrogant, it is not rude, is not self-seeking, is not irritable, and keeps no record of wrongs."  

If that is what love is then that has been what Bobby has shown me for 23 years.  In Galatians it says the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness and self-control.  If those are the attributes of the Spirit, my husband is filled with a generous dose of God's spirit.

The Bible says that Jesus is the visible manifestation of God...  He showed us who God is.  He gave sight to the blind, he healed the sick, he preached the good news of the kingdom to the poor.  He healed the leper.  He forgave the adulterous, he raised the dead and gave hope to the masses.  He walked with humility and shared God's love with everyone who would receive it.  And He died a sacrificial death so that he could set us all free from the power of sin and death.  

His words on the cross spoken through the ages "Forgiven them, they know not what they do." 

But Jesus doesn't walk this earth anymore and sometimes it hard to see God. And that is the very reason he sent His Spirit to live inside His people.  He says to his disciples "Love one another and they will know you are my disciples."

The defining character of someone who follows Jesus is Love.  His people are to be his visible representation on earth.  The manifestation of the love of God, that is beyond our understanding. 

"Now these three things remain: faith, hope and love- but the greatest of these is love." I Cor. 13:13

Sometimes in this world the clouds blot out the sun and the chaos down here makes it hard to see God up there.  I hope if that's you today that someone is Jesus to you and reminds you of the faithful love of God.  I pray that you See God in someone today.  And I hope that these words find you and remind you wherever you are today of the unconditional, faithful LOVE of GOD.  

For "love is the highest value" in God's kingdom.  May His will be done on earth as it is in heaven.  May the Kingdom of love come near.  

 

What Are We Waiting For

 He's got his pads on, his helmet, his cleats... He has all his drip on and he's looking every bit of the big college football star.   He's been there for every second of two-a-days and practice.  He has had to sit through hundreds of hours of meetings and listened to Coaches talk about the game for days and weeks on end.  He is ready.  

Hands on hips, eyes on the game in front of him, there is NOTHING this man wants more than to be in that game.  He's agitated and irritated.  Questions running through his mind...  Did I make the right decision?  What am I here for?  13 years of playing both sides of the ball, 13 years of being in the game for every single second.  13 years of being MVP and most decorated player on every team he has been on.  13 years of Coaches telling him "YOU have what it takes!"  And yet there he stands on the sidelines watching the game that he would give anything to be playing right now.  

As he sits there on the sideline, I know him well enough to know what he's thinking...  His team is NOT doing well, in 3 games they have gotten into the endzone one solitary time.  And this young man is thinking "If Coach would just put me in, I could help.  I could do something.  Offense or defense...  just call my number Coach, just put me in, WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?"

What ARE we waiting for?  I'm not sure what you're waiting for, BUT one thing I know... You are waiting for something.  In the 30 years that I have been getting to know God, I have learned, He is NEVER in a hurry.  

This morning as I got settled in to read my Bible, my mind whirred with restless noise, my body humming with adrenaline from the morning rush.  I knew if I started reading right away, I would get nothing out of it.  My A.D.D. brain would combine everything in one massive ball of white noise and right now that's not what I need.  My thoughts were too noisy.  Every thought from the election, to P. Diddy, to this cough that my kid has that won't go away, was bumping into each other and all I could come away with was... nothing feels certain right now.  I have prayers on my mind that seem to have been put on God's back burner and there's just so much in this world to be concerned about...  I knew I had to do something to stop all the spinning so I could actually hear from the Lord. I took a few deep breaths and quieted my mind and steadied my restless heart.  

My youngest son started public school this year and so with that ends my time as a homeschooling mom, even though my life is still busy with 4 boys playing sports, I find myself asking, what now Lord.  What do you want to do with me?  How can I get in the game, Lord.  But as I ask this question, He had an answer I wasn't expecting.  An answer honestly, I just did NOT want to hear. 

With all the time on my hands I dreamt of all the ways I could be out there doing something for Jesus... and mostly for me.  I've been waiting my turn, biding my time, learning the plays and going to practice.  I've put in the work.  I'm ready to play.  I have my helmet on, my cleats, my pads...  I'm ready.  But when the Coach calls me over to the side, he doesn't call my number.  He doesn't put me in the game.  He doesn't let me get any of the action...  Instead, He says, "Angela, come over here and stand by me, watch me, listen and learn from me.'  

God called Abraham out of his homeland when he was 75 years old and made him a promise that He would bless him and make him a great nation and that his offspring would be more numerous than the sand on the seashore and then He had Abraham WAIT.  

For 25 years Abraham waited on the Lord to make good on his promise.  For 25 years Abraham and Sarah waited and waited and waited...  But they also learned.  While they had their eyes on the promise and waited on a son...  God was using that time to draw Abraham to his side and telling him, "Abraham come over here and stand by me, watch me, listen and learn from me."  

The 25 years that Abraham waited was not wasted...  We know this because through the chapters of his life we see a man who transforms right in front of our eyes.  God was doing something really important while Abraham waited...  He was revealing himself little by little, time after time, and year after year God showed Abraham a little more of His heart.  

And all along God knew His plan and He knew what He was doing.  All along God knew what He was waiting for and NOT A SECOND OF THAT TIME WAS WASTED.  

Genesis 21 tells us this, "The Lord came to Sarah AS HE HAD SAID, and the LORD DID for Sarah WHAT HE HAD PROMISED.  Sarah became pregnant and bore a son to Abraham in his old age, AT THE APPOINTED TIME God had told him."

Isaiah 60:22 says, "When the time is RIGHT, I the LORD, will make it happen."  

If you're like me and you are sitting on the sidelines, watching the game with your hands on your hips and vibrating with the frustration of waiting your turn.  If you've been praying and clinging to the Lord, if you've been asking for answers and trying to figure out the plan, do yourself a favor...  Relax your shoulders, take your hands off your hips, take a few deep breaths.  Then walk over to the Coach, stand beside him, watch him, learn His ways, learn his signals, understand his mind and trust His game plan.

"Wait on the Lord, and keep His way, and He WILL exalt you." Psalms 37:34

May the Lord bless you and keep you and may He make his face shine upon you!

Don't Play Me

 32,000 hours of pregnancy

3,650 days of nursing babies

5 times experiencing the "terrific toddler stage"

15 years of homeschooling

1000's of hours wiping butts and kissing booboo's 

100's of stomach bugs and hours of cleaning up vomit

20 years of 3 meals a day plus 5 snacks

100's of thousands of dollars feeding and clothing and paying for sports

Hundreds of hours of practices and cheering at games

Endless love and support and care

AND never counting the cost because that's who I am...

I am mom to 5 of the most amazing, wonderful human beings on this planet and there is NOTHING on this earth I would rather be...  

BUT DON'T PLAY ME... If there is one thing about me that everyone needs to know... I'm a jealous mom.  I will NEVER share my position or place in my children's lives.  

And THAT is the exact message that God sent Elijah to proclaim to King Ahab and the children of Israel.  

Then Elijah said to the people, "How long will you waver between two opinions? If the LORD is GOD, follow Him.  But if Baal, follow him. 

Exodus 34:14 tells us that God had warned the people of His jealous nature when He spoke through the prophet Moses "For you shall worship no other god, for the Lord, WHOSE NAME IS JEALOUS, is a jealous God." 

The word jealous has some negative connotation in our modern society but this definition gives us a clearer explanation of what it means to be "righteously jealous".  

Jealous- fiercely protective or vigilant of one's rights or possessions.

Israel was God's possession.  He had birthed this nation in Genesis through the patriarch Abraham and He had redeemed them out of their Egyptian captivity with His righteous right hand.  He had led them safely through the wilderness and fed them manna from heaven.  And when He led them across the Jordan river into the land, they were to take possession of He renewed His covenant with them as His chosen people.  God told the people through Joshua to REMEMBER (keep in mind) that He alone was their provision, and He alone was their protection. And He warned them what would happen if they turned to other gods.

When He told Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Moses, Joshua and the children of Israel that He was the LORD God and that he was their GOD He was telling them I'm the One who made this world and everything in it.  I'm the One who sends the rain and makes the land fruitful.  I'm the One who increases you and causes you to multiply.  I am your Shield and your Rock.  And He reminded them that He would share that glory with NO ONE, especially not dead gods made from their own hands.  He wouldn't share honor with gods who could not hear their cries or their praise.  He would not share His glory with gods who had no eyes to see, gods that were impotent and incapable of blessing or cursing.  He was reminding them that He was a jealous God worthy of ALL of their praise.  

In Genesis 17 God made a promise to Abraham, "I am God Almighty. Live in my presence and be blameless.  I will set up my covenant between me and you, and I will multiply you greatly.... It is a permanent covenant to BE YOUR GOD and the God of your offspring after you, and to you and your future offspring I will give all the land of Canaan as a permanent possession, AND I WILL BE THEIR GOD."  

When my children were little, we didn't participate in the wonder that is santa claus.  I had my reasons...  but the biggest reason of all was I would NOT allow some fictional guy from some far away land to get the credit for the gifts that my husband and I had given them.  No way in this world would I let my children believe one for hot second that someone else had blessed them in such an extravagant way.  

Just like the fictional santa, the little (g)ods of the nations around Israel were not responsible for the land flowing with milk and honey.  They were not responsible for the rain that produced bountiful harvests, and they were not responsible for the protection that the children of Israel had enjoyed in their new land. GOD was about to remind them of that very fact when He sent Elijah to deliver a message, that the heavens were going to be shut up and the dew would no longer be on the grass.

GOD was pronouncing judgement on the false gods they had aligned themselves with and HE sent a clear reminder of just WHO was worthy of their worship, praise and allegiance.

Our GOD is a jealous God and with every right.  We are His people.  We are His inheritance bought with a very great price... the blood of His one and only son, Jesus.  By His stripes we have been healed and by His wounds we have been forgiven.  We have been accepted into the family of God, adopted by our Heavenly Father, blessed and sealed with the promised Holy Spirit.  We have been given all spiritual blessings in Christ Jesus and Jesus even promised that we could ask for anything in His NAME.  With all that we have been given in Christ... 

May our hearts cry out, "The LORD, He is GOD, The LORD, He is GOD!", as the people of Israel did that day that Elijah stood before them and called down the fire from heaven and commanded them to REMEMBER.

"Blessed be the Lord, Who DAILY loads us with benefits, The GOD of our salvation!" Psalms 69:19

Wanna Talk About Me

 There's a song by the late country artist Toby Keith called "I Wanna Talk About Me", and the chorus goes like this...

I want to talk about me

want to talk about I,

want to talk about number one Oh my me my

What I think, what I like, what I know, what I want, what I see

I like talking about you, you, you usually,

but occasionally 

I want to talk about me

It's a funny song about how the guy always has to listen to the girl talk about everything under the sun and how he can never get a word in edgewise.  It's relatable...  I think we can all be like this sometimes, but especially in our relationship with our God.  

Our prayers times are often filled with moaning, groaning, complaining or begging for something that we think we will die without.  We bless "our" food before we eat, we throw up hasty one-liners before we head off anywhere.  We bless and curse people in traffic, beg for a good grade on our tests, request prayer from our friends, for anything from broken fingernails to broken homes, and all of that is wonderful, because God wants us to bring him all of our requests, but when do we ever just sit and let him talk to us... about Himself?

I find myself in long seasons like this...  and it's in these seasons of one-sided conversation that I feel disconnected, frustrated and unloved.  It's times like these that my prayers turn into accusations of not being seen, not being known, of being forsaken and misunderstood.  

In Bible study this week in the study guide "He's Where the Joy Is" by Tara-Leigh Cobble I read this paragraph that really made me start thinking about this.  

Cobble says, "Having a God who in one in nature/being and three in Persons can seem confusing or contradictory, but that's simply because there's nothing else like Him in existence.  No other religion in the history of the world has ever had a God like this, and WE WOULD DO WELL TO LEARN ABOUT HIM SINCE HE'S THE FOUNDATION OF OUR FAITH." 

This reminds me of the famous quote by A.W. Tozer, "What comes to our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us.

I've been reminded this week that our God is like no other and in this humanistic, man-centered world we can loose track of WHO our God is and HOW our God shows his love for us.  It reminds me that the ONLY way I can know my God is through relationship with Him and by what He reveals about Himself through His WORD.  

A few months ago, I could sense the strain in one of the relationships with my children.  I could tell he was feeling unloved and unseen.  I could tell that there was a lack of understanding on his part about what love looked like from us, his parents, and that he needed to be reminded of this love and of who we are and who he is to us.  I also realized there was a lot that my now teenager needed to know and understand about me his mom, that had never really been appropriate to share before.  I knew that if I could share more of myself with him and if he knew me in a new and deeper way, he would begin to see my love for him much more fully.  

It's hard to get one-on-one time in a family of seven, so there can be long stretches of small talk and conversation in passing, while we head to this place or that.  I knew if we were going to have this pivotal and vital conversation it would have to be just the two of us.  

One afternoon I blocked off a few hours of time and asked my son if he would come away with me and spend some time just the two of us.  When we got in the car headed somewhere we could talk I told him I'd like to tell him my life story.  I'd like for him to know more about me.  I'd like for him to understand me more fully, because if he did, I told him, he would experience my love for him like he never had before.  

So, sitting in that car together I shared my life story with my teenage son.  I drew him in to my heart and my mind.  I opened up to him in a way that I never had before and as I did there were moments of tears, there were moments of understanding and recognition and ultimately a deeper, closer relationship.  But one thing I KNOW for sure happened that day, my son came away from that conversation, knowing for the first time in a long time how deeply I love him.  Little by little, day after day our love grows deeper, and our relationship grows stronger because NOW he understands the ways I've always loved him.

It's hard for us to understand a God, not of human making.  Throughout scripture there are many men and women who have cried out from human understanding to a God, who transcends everything we can comprehend, and questioned His love.  From the beginning of time, we humans have created God's in our own image.  

From the beginning God has been revealing Himself to humanity.  Progressive revelation has been God's way of giving us glimpses of himself little by little.  He has revealed Himself from the beginning as the Creator, then He revealed Himself by various differed names and titles, to the ancients, the Prophets and the children of Israel.  Eventually through His Son Jesus, who IS the express image of God, He revealed Himself as Our Heavenly Father, who has chosen, accepted and adopted us, all for His good pleasure.   

I John:9-10 says, "THIS is how God showed His love among us: He sent His one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him.  THIS IS LOVE; not that we loved God, but that He loved us and SENT HIS SON AS AN ATONING SACRIFICE." 

Finally, God revealed Himself to us through the Holy Spirit, whom Jesus, says is our Advocate and who will teach us all things."  

I find myself in a season of solitude and more time on my hands than I've had in the past and I don't think it's by accident.  I know I have been like my teenage son, in my relationship with God.  For a while my prayers have been shallow, and my devotion has been luke-warm.  My heart has been cold, and I find myself feeling unloved, unseen and forsaken. 

 I know my Father is saying, "Angela, come away with me.  Let me tell you more about me.  Let me show you Who I am... because it's only when you fully understand 'Who I AM' that you can grasp who you are to me and how much I love you and always have.  

I Corinthians 2:11 says, "No one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God... We have received the Spirit of God so that we could understand what had been freely given to us by God."

If you find yourself in a season that you just don't understand God and you feel forsaken, unloved and unseen maybe it's time to sit down with the LORD and let Him talk to you about HIMSELF for a while.  I know we will all walk away from our time with Him with a fresh understanding of WHO He is and how much He has loved us.  

Better Off.

 There is a light in our little town where one of our local roads crosses the major highway that runs through it.  It's a place where too many accidents happen.  It's a common occurrence to see big trucks with too little time to stop, plow into cars and trucks that are crossing there.  

A few weeks ago, I found myself stopped at light with a heavy load weighing on my mind.  It had been a week of stress, worry, change and transition.  I was fighting some of the same old battles that never seem to go away.  My heart was hurting, and I was losing the hope that things would ever be different.  While I was sitting there waiting my turn for all the traffic to pass by... I had the momentary thought, "What if I just pulled out there in front of that truck?" which led into my very next thought and one that I have struggled with for a long time.. 

"They would be better off without me..."

Before I go on let me say that I know better than anyone how insane that statement is.  I lost my biological mom to a car wreck when I was a baby.  I am NOT "better off" without her.  

I also am utterly aware that the thoughts in my head do not represent the life that I have.  I am happily married with five beautiful children and a full, mostly happy life.  Honestly, it's that fact that gives me pause.  WHY would I even have that thought when I have so much to live for?  

Even on my worst days and most painful seasons I've never been suicidal, so this is honestly not about suicide.  It's about me.  It's about the fact that there is something in my brain that does not function correctly.  But even as I write this, other saints come to my mind who have had these same thoughts.  

Job, Elijah and even Jonah had moments like that.  Moments like maybe the world would just be better off without me.  I find so much comfort in God's word when I read about people God used, who had amazing mountain top experiences, but who also had some of the worst lows imaginable.  

I mean it's hard right?!  We are Christians.  We have Jesus.  We've been saved by grace, and we have heaven waiting on the other side of this life right.  We're supposed to count our blessings (of which I have many) and we are supposed to count it all joy when we have trials (which I try to do).  We are supposed to put our hope in an invisible God and trust Him completely (which is HARD).  We are supposed to be thankful and grateful and love everyone (friend and enemy alike) and honestly, we just are NOT supposed to throw pity parties and lament our problems... because we are "just too blessed to be depressed) right?  

And then there's Elijah at the brook begging for death.  Elijah who had JUST called down fire from heaven.  Elijah who was a super saint...  Elijah who was exhausted... soul weary.  Elijah who just didn't have anything left to give prostrate on the ground ready to go home.

There is so much that I want to say... so many posts to write... so many points to make.  Maybe this is just the beginning of a conversation, because it's so obvious that one thought leads to another and the next after that.  I had a lot to say about childhood trauma and I had stuff to say about self-worth, but I'm going to end this post where the Spirit has led me I Kings 19.

How does God feel about and deal with the weary, hurting soul?

"Then Elijah became afraid and immediately ran for his life...He sat down under a broom tree and prayed that he might die, He said, "I HAVE HAD ENOUGH! LORD, take my life."  Then he lay down and slept under the broom tree.  

Suddenly, an angel touched him.  The angel told him, "Get up and eat."  

Elijah ate the food the angel had provided and then he went to sleep again.  

"Then the angel of the LORD returned the second time and touched him.  He said, "Get up an eat, or the journey WILL BE TOO HARD FOR YOU."  So, he got up, ate and drank.  Then on the strength from that food, he walked forty days and forty nights to Horeb, the mountain of God.  

How does God deal with his weary saints?  

"Come unto me, all you are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted: he saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalms 34:18

With His Presence.  Jesus speaking to his disciples told them in this world they would have trouble, and He promised them that He would be with them through it all.  

Jesus, himself was a man of sorrows and He grieved multiple times throughout the Gospels.  In fact, Hebrews tells us, "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who has been tempted IN EVERY WAY as we are, yet without sin.  Therefore, let us approach the throne of grace with boldness, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in time of need." 

"There is comfort for us that sadness is actually in the Bible a LOT, where it's often called lament.  The prophets lament, God's people lament, and even Jesus laments in the garden of Gethsemane.  And psalm after psalm in the middle of the Bible is full of lament."  Jennie Allen- Untangle your emotions

This life is beautiful, but it is not easy.  There are myriad reasons that life can be painful and confusing and still be full and beautiful.  There are countless reasons for rejoicing, but there are also countless reasons for tears.  Sometimes we are going along just fine and think we have everything all figured out and BAM one thing can set us back or drive us to despair.  No matter where we are...  on the mountain top or in the valley our God is for us, and He is with us.

Like Hagar the Egyptian slave or the woman at the well...  like the woman with the issue of blood or Rahab, Mary or the adulterous woman caught in sin.  Like the blind man, or Nathaneal standing by the tree, like Gideon in the wine press or Jonah in the whale...  Our God sees us, and he knows us.  In fact, David says in psalms 139 "You know my thoughts before I even think them." 

Our God is acquainted with all of our ways and like the woman at the well "he knows all I ever did."  Our God is slow to anger and of great mercy and He is mighty to save.  He is the one with all the strength and all the power and He is more aware of our weaknesses than we are.  No matter where you find yourself today...  Jesus, who is the express image of the Father wants you to come to Him and lay your burdens on him, because He cares for you.

God had a plan for our lives and a purpose for all we go through.  He would never allow anything to hurt us that He wasn't' going to use to heal us in some profound way.  And there has never been a bigger lie than the one that the enemy whispers in our ear in a time of weakness...  This world could never be better without YOU in it.  

Addicted

 Hi, My name is Angela and I am an addict...

The following content is not mine to claim.  If you are interested in anything I share today you can search for Dr. Gabor Mate on YouTube and if you do... you're welcome.  I just did you a huge favor.  

Also if you are my family don't take anything personally, this is NOT about you, but me.

Now back to me.  I am an addict.  I have been an addict for as long as I can remember.  I have been addicted to many things for many reasons.  

I am also an over-comer.  I have overcome many addictions, many times, only to find myself gripped tightly again in an addiction that I had overcome in some other season on my life. 

There is so much to say about addiction that won't be said in this post.  Things we've all read or been told, because the truth is that we have all been in a relationship with an addict at some point in our lives.  For some of us the relationship we have struggled most with is ourselves.  

I think probably my addiction to babies gives the clearest insight into what I want to say today.  I had (mid-life worked this one out on it's own) an addiction to having babies.  I LOVED having babies.  I LOVED being pregnant and nursing.  I LOVED holding babies and sleeping with babies.  I very much would forsake everything else in my life for the opportunity to hold my babies.  

Babies are wonderful and cuddly and adorable, and babies ADORE their mothers.  Babies also offer oxytocin and prolactin to mommies that help in bonding and feeling emotional closeness.  These two very powerful chemicals help the mommy to relax and snuggle into a rocking chair in peace while the worries of the world melt away outside the bedroom door.  

For me having babies was the first time in my life that I felt a continued sense of devotion and pure unaltered love.  It was the first time I felt loved just for being me.  It was the first time I felt peace and calm without a substance to "take the edge off".  It was the first time I ever really felt good about myself.  I was a good mommy (to babies).  

The very powerful and visceral response that my mind and body had to nursing actually kept all my other unhealthy addictions at bay.  While I was having babies, pregnant and nursing I was pretty content.  Everything felt right in my world.  What I didn't know then that I have come to discover now is the oxytocin and prolactin were working together to make me feel connected, wanted, needed.

Connected, wanted, needed...  words that have unconsciously ruled my life since I was an infant.  

I had felt the opposite of that for my whole life... unwanted, unneeded, and disconnected.  

I have learned that the death of a parent in early childhood is one of the worst traumas that a child can endure.  My mother died when I was a baby.  I have a mother wound that has been raw and festering for decades.  There has never been a day in my life or very many moments in my day that I don't think about the fact that I was a "motherless" child.  

Disclaimer for my family's sake...  My Dad remarried when I was 3 and provided me with an angel that I called mom for 33 years.  She was for all intents and purposes my mom and she was extremely good to me and I adored her.  But the day that she went home to be with Jesus, a pandoras box of pent-up childhood anguish over the loss of both a biological mother and an adoptive mother, threatened to destroy my whole world and 12 YEARS LATER I'm just now cleaning up the debris.

When I was young I internalized a message of rejection, and I carried that with me into adulthood.  With our brilliant minds ability to create an algorithm to confirm what we already believe to be true I found plenty of evidence to confirm my conclusion.  I was in fact defective and not worthy of love.  Throughout the years I found many ways to numb this ache in my soul and as addictions go I found even more trouble to pack into my suitcase of trauma.  

But the strangest thing would happen in my late 20's and into my mid 30's...  for close to a decade the only addiction I suffered from was chubby cheeks and baby feet.  

My favorite Dr. says, "We shouldn't ask why the addiction, but why the pain."  To get to the root of the problem we can't start with the addiction, it's just a symptom, we have to address the pain.  We have to ask the question "what is good about the addiction?"  What is this thing providing you that you don't have or better yet that you didn't have in childhood?  

Which brings me to my addiction with babies... how is it that I could trade in all the unhealthy addictions I had before, to numb and sooth the pain, when I had a little baby to hold in my arms?  My pain was soothed for short periods of time by this little angel that needed me and adored me and helped me feel connected.  

Addiction is just our way of meeting some need that we haven't been able to meet any other way.  Addiction is self-soothing and attempting, albeit in an unhealthy way, to relieve some kind of internal pain.  

I don't know if you struggle like me with addictions or if you know someone who does, but I hope that by sharing my heart someone out there can begin the process of healing.  I know addiction has caused endless shame and guilt in my life and it has hurt people I love and through sharing my experience I hope to encourage others to reexamine not the why of the addiction, but the why of the pain and to begin to process of healing.  We are hardwired as humans to have certain needs that are inescapable...  Unconditional love that we don't have to work for, attachment to a safe and happy adult and a sense of belonging to others in families and even the greater community at large, as well as a purpose and a way to share our light in this world.  Addictions form because somewhere along the way we didn't have access to one or more of those things.  

There is no one to blame.  No finger to point.  Life happens to us all and the for the most part the people in our lives did the best that they could.  It's no shock to anyone for me to say that you can look around and at the generations before us and tell that there is something amiss in our culture.  Something wrong that won't' be easily righted... but, in our small circles and in our families, we have the opportunity to make some changes that will have positive ripples now and into future generations.  

Addiction has always been a factor in any society...  In ours addiction is a plague destroying many millions of lives every day.  It's time for us to stop condemning the addict and start addressing the pain.   

 

You've changed

 It's a subtle thing that I don't think people even realize they are doing but it's always there, that look in their eyes and the constant silent question...  "What happened to you?"  

What happened to the woman who would loudly proclaim God's promises?  What happened to the teacher?  What happened to your joy and your faith in God?  Why are your eyes always sad?  

Just like seeing me reminds people that I've changed, seeing them reminds me of the same.  Seeing people who know the woman that I once was or maybe who is just buried is painful and heartbreaking.  People remind me of a time when I was FULL of hope, expectation and certainty that I could make it through anything with just a mustard seed of faith.  

They remind me of a time when faith in God was effortless and easy.  They remind of before...  

You know those moments that divide history.  Moments so sudden and tragic that your life is now divided into before the tragedy and after.  I know you do.  Life happens to us all.  Universally a lot of life has happened to all of us in the last 4 years.  We've all changed.  We all take life more seriously.  We all count our blessings more.  We all try to focus on the good things in our lives a little bit more, but I know there is a universal feeling of being changed in deep and meaningful ways.  

Today as I encountered this experience once again, I thought about Naomi.  The Naomi who followed her husband and two sons to a foreign land to find food during a famine was not the same Naomi who showed up at the gates of Bethlehem years later.  Naomi who had lost her husband and two sons during that time returned to her hometown a very different woman.  

When the people came out to greet her, they were expecting to see the same sweet Naomi she had once been, but they encountered a bitter broken version of her who confessed, "I went away full, but the LORD has brought me back empty.  Why call me Naomi? The LORD had afflicted me; the Almighty has brought misfortune on me."  

At first glance it looks like Naomi has lost all faith in God.  It looks like Naomi has given up hope and maybe even allowed her bitterness to destroy her relationship with God, but the truth is Naomi knew that God alone was her help and hope.  

Naomi's faith that God had not forsaken her is what drove her to head back home when she heard the Lord had visited the land.  She may have been bitter, but she knew where help came from.  She may not have danced into the gates of Bethlehem with bells on and shouts of praise, but with clinging fingers she held on to the hem of the Almighty's robes and expected to find help in God.  

Even though Naomi knew who had allowed the bitter things into her life she didn't walk away from God she clung to him.  

Here's the thing...  sometimes life is really hard, and it can change you.  Grief doesn't have an expiration date.  We NEVER know what is going on people's lives even when we think we do.  We don't know all that goes on behind the scenes of a person's life.  Life can sometimes be bitter and painful.  

The truth is I have changed, but GOD has not.  The truth is my heart hurts still, but my faith is stronger than ever, because it's not in anything else, BUT GOD now.  The truth is I'm not the woman I used to be, but HE is the same yesterday, today and forever.  The truth is my family experienced a season of tragedy that rocked our world, but not our faith.  The truth is there are constant reminders in my life of a time when two people filled our lives with so much love and laughter and now they are gone and that has changed me. 

The good news is the story didn't end for Naomi there... You can find her story in the book of Ruth.  It's a beautiful story of God's faithful love and restoration.  Naomi's story gives me hope and reminds me that seasons of our lives don't define us and bitter winters are always overtaken by the glorious beauty of spring.