Friday, May 25, 2018

Back At The Lake


They call it “retail therapy”.   She can feel the excitement building as she whips her shiny new car, into the parking space.  Work was crap today.   No matter how hard she works, it’s always the same… somebody is complaining and she’s never enough.  The “career” that she thought was going to finally fulfill her and make her feel important, is actually  just a paycheck.  The disappointment of finally reaching the zenith only to find out there’s nothing there, it’s all just vapor has left her empty inside.  So, she goes shopping.   She can feel the rush as soon as the click of her heels hits the linoleum.  New aviator sunglasses, lip-plumping gloss and a cute pair of sandals quickly find their way in her basket and she’s feeling euphoric.  Shopping always makes her feel better.  Walking up to the register, the feel of cold plastic in her hands, probably feels just like the rush of the addicts’ needle.  The fact that she had to open a new charge account, because all the others are maxed out is a problem she will deal with later.  Walking out she knows she must hide the evidence, so she throws the receipt in the trash and tucks the bags under the back seat of the car…  she’s got to make sure her husband doesn’t see her coming in with another bag, because that’s sure to cause a fight.  She’s figured out if he never sees her carry the stuff in, he doesn’t know any difference from the new and old.  In the back of her mind she knows she’s putting a lot at risk for such a short-lived thrill.

Sitting on a barstool in a Chili’s an hour away from his house, he’s thinking he should really go home.  He loves his wife and his kids, he really does, it might not look like it from the outside, but he does.  He’s already ordered a whiskey and coke and as he sips on it, borrowing courage, he waits for her.  They met at work.  They laugh over the same stupid office jokes, making fun of people, like the  brown noser and the flirt who shows all her business and the skinny nerd with all the answers.   She’s young and cute and she makes him feel young and alive again.  The blood is pumping in his veins as he waits in anticipation for the next few hours.  He knows what he’s risking, but the pain is worth the pleasure.  If his wife found out he was doing this again, she’d leave and take his kids with her.   She hates him, he can see it in her eyes every day, the disappointment and disgust, because she had some fairy tale in mind when they got married.  Truth is… so did he.  He really believed she was the one that was going to make him feel like a man and with her life was going to exceed his expectations.  Reality bites.  He knows everything he’s risking doing this again, but he sits there waiting.

It’s a Tuesday night, the kids are in finally in bed.  Tension, stress, and frustration have been a constant companion all day.  She has all she could have ever dreamed of, an amazing husband, beautiful kids, nice house, and yet there are things she didn’t dream of.  She never dreamed she would say the things that she says to her kids.  She never dreamed it was all going to be this hard.  Another night ended in ugly words and guilty feelings.  Sitting in the living room, tv playing in the background, thumbing blinding through Facebook, she pops the top on a can.  Taking the first few sips, it only takes seconds for the knot in the back of her neck to disappear.  Minutes later the stress of the day has completely melted away.  She knows this isn’t really going to solve any problems.  In fact, she will wake up tomorrow tired and groggy and the cycle will start again…  but even though she knows it only makes things worse… she pops the top again and the rush of alcohol hits her bloodstream making her forget for now.

Sitting in the Doctor’s office, he rehearses what he’s going to say.  The Doctor is going to tell him that he doesn’t need the pills and that the dose he’s on is enough, maybe he should see a therapist, it’s all in his head, but he knows he needs those pills.  He used the month's prescription in just 2 weeks and he’s been having withdrawals for days, he’s already anxious and the sweat is beading on his brow and his hands are clammy.  He hates being here.  He hates the way people look at him, like he’s a freak, because stuff that “normal” people don’t get worked up about he does.  He hates life really.  The only thing that makes him feel ok is the pills.  It sucks majorly that they don’t last forever.  The truth is they don’t make him feel better… they make him feel nothing and nothing is exactly what he wants to feel.  He doesn’t want to feel sad, or lonely, or invisible. He wants to feel numb, dead would be even better.  He knows the pills are not making life better, but he needs them anyway.

She finds herself in the drive-thru line again.  It’s been a horrible day.  Screw the diet, she just wants to feel the rush of the Dr. Pepper hit her veins and the smell of the French fries wafting from the McDonald’s has already made her physically relax.  Just knowing in five minutes she can pull over in the parking lot and tear into the bag makes her feel almost happy.  She eats alone, because she cannot stand for people to look at her with disgust.  Stupid people, like they don’t eat every freaking day too.  But, she pulls into the last parking spot with a lone tree surrounded by concrete to shade her.  Here she’s safe to eat in peace and she’s happy for the first time today.  The fries are perfect, and the DP is just what she needed, but the burger is gone before she realizes she’s eaten it.   Maybe she should pull around and order another, but they would probably recognize her.  Maybe she’ll just go to DQ across the street and get a shake.  Decision made she starts the car up to head across the intersection.  She knows what she’s risking… health, feeling good about herself… but the temptation to fix her feelings with food is just too strong.

He sits down at the computer, pushes the power button, waiting for the browser to pop up.  The anticipation is building in his veins as his mind is already conjuring images that his imagination can feast on.  He didn’t mean to get into this kind of thing… it was actually by accident when he clicked on an innocent looking pop-up add one night when he couldn’t sleep.  Hours later he came out of a fog, feeling sick with guilt for what he had just spent hours looking at.  If his parents ever found out about this obsession he would be in so much trouble.  They think he’s gaming and they never give him any grief.  They never ask why he turned his desk around facing the door and they never check to see what’s on his computer, but he’s careful anyway, making sure to hide the evidence of his online fantasy world. Everyday he tells himself he’s not going to do this again, but every day he fails again.  Sadly, he’s lost interest in football and he hasn’t hung out with his friends lately… even though he knows this is sick, and he’ll be consumed with guilt later, nothing excites him quite like what he sees on this screen.

He felt like a ball of frustration and anger and self-loathing.  Everything had gone wrong.  He was confused and tired and angry and he wanted to be numb.  He didn’t want to feel or think anymore.  There was only one thing that could make him feel numb.  Peter, sick of feeling disappointed, abruptly stood up, looked at the men around him and said, “I’m going fishing.”  His friends decided to come along and now he found himself standing on the boat, with the familiar feel of the waves rocking beneath him.  Balancing himself against the sway of the boat felt good, it felt right, it felt comfortable.  The water reflecting the morning sun, the breeze touching his face and smell of fish were exactly what his weary soul longed for.  The only problem being the fact that he would never be able to escape what had happened in the last couple of days.  He was still in shock.  Jesus, the Messiah, his best friend had been arrested, beaten and nailed to a cross and he, Peter, had betrayed him.  He had denied knowing him and he had run, when he said he would stay and die with him.  Now Jesus was dead and nothing made sense.  He couldn’t sort out the jumbled mess that was in his head.  He didn’t know how to fix this or if he would ever get over this, but he knew that fishing would as least make him feel nothing for a while. 

Instead of making Peter feel better, fishing today actually made him feel more like a loser…  how bad was it when a fisherman couldn’t even catch fish?  With empty nets, they decided to head back to shore.  Distracted by his self-loathing, he didn’t see the man standing on the shore, but hearing someone call out he looked up, barely catching the greeting called out across the water…  “Friends, you don’t have any fish, do you?”

Thanks for stating the obvious stranger, Peter thought, but he called out, “No,” instead of what he wanted to say.  The man on shore said, “Cast out on the right side of the boat, and you’ll find some.”  Oh, really, Peter thinks, but something seems familiar about this episode and about the man on shore, so they threw their nets out on the other side of the boat and fish throw themselves in the net and some distant memory comes rushing to Peter’s mind, of the first time Peter had met Jesus.  In the background he hears someone call out, “It’s the Lord.”  Realizing that Jesus really was standing at the shore calling out to them and that He had called them friends made something in Peter crack.  Frantically, pulling his outer clothes around him, he plunged into the water, unable to wait for the boat to carry him to shore.  He had to get to Jesus.  Even though Peter was frantic to get to Jesus, he hesitated for a moment, not knowing how Jesus would respond, but Jesus rushed to him and wrapped his arms around Peter in a bear hug.  The love and forgiveness that Peter knew in that moment was the purest feeling he ever known.   Peter allowed the shame and self-hate to melt away because He knew that in spite of all that he had done wrong and all the times he had messed up he was loved and forgiven. 

Later that morning, Jesus took Peter aside and restored him completely and fully and commissioned him to carry on the work that Jesus was doing.  Somewhere in Peter’s confused mind he realized that only now after he had been broken could he be fully used by God.  Somehow, he had a new understanding that the Kingdom of God was not about over-throwing earthly kingdoms, but it was about forgiveness and restoration and reconciliation, and now Peter knew how to follow Jesus better.  He understood now that the most power thing in the world was forgiveness. 

Going back to the lake was how Peter handled his problems when his shame kept him from Jesus.  Going back to the lake is what we do when we go back to that familiar comfort instead of going to Jesus.  It’s that old thing that never helped us before, but we lie to ourselves that maybe this time will be different.  It’s never different.  I’m not sure what is driving you back to the lake, but I do know that Jesus is standing on the shore calling out to you friend.  He’s saying you won’t find what you’re looking for there…  somehow the net is always empty.  He is saying I have what you need…  Friend, come to me. 

Wednesday, May 23, 2018

The Reasons Why


Machines hum in the background, the tv’s turned low, some cooking show, she’s watching, even though she hasn’t eaten food in a week.  Tubes and wires connect her to the fluids that are keeping the pain manageable.  They talk about things like Jesus and heaven and all the things you talk about before someone leaves this life.  “Are you scared”, the daughter asks her mom. 

Tears that stay right under the surface of the smiles and assurances that everything is ok come flooding down her puffy cheeks and mirror the ones pooling in the eyes of her daughter.  Of course, she’s scared. They are both terrified.  It wasn’t supposed to be this way.

Life was just beginning to make sense.  There were grandkids to enjoy and holidays for making memories.  There was Taco Tuesday, little league football games, babies to meet and an adult mom/daughter friendship with many years left to grow.  There were shopping trips left, there were awards ceremonies to cheer at, there were little people to laugh at and a daughter who needed a mom. 

A daughter who needed a mom.  A daughter who prayed fervently for her mother not to leave.  A daughter who wasn’t ready for the end.  A daughter who lost faith as she sat on that bedside knowing this was the end.  God would not answer her prayer for healing.  She would see no miracle.

Sitting at the bedside, holding her hand, and waiting for those final moments to pass, she felt a crack in her soul.  She said all the right things… that people needed to hear like, “she’s in a better place” and “she’s not in pain anymore”, she accepted the hugs and the comfort that other people needed to give to make themselves feel better.  She smiled at the funeral and squeezed hands and tried to make everyone else feel comfortable in her presence.

She went on with life, trying the best she could to not allow her pain to mess up other people’s lives.  When people asked how she was, she gave the standard answers that made them feel better.  She tried not to have bad days that would affect her kids and she tried to pretend that everything was ok.  She tried to believe that heaven was better for her mom and that she was happy, but the truth was she didn’t.

The truth was she was angry. The day she realized her mom was never getting better something broke inside her.  The day that she realized God was not going to heal her mom, everything changed. 

He could no longer be trusted with the things she loved.  She had prayed and begged and pleading for healing that didn’t come, and He had been silent.  Her faith in a good, loving Father evaporated.  Oh, she still went along like she believed it all, and maybe she even lied to herself, but her faith was shattered that day. 

People noticed that something was different, but they really couldn’t put a finger on it.  She wasn’t herself anymore, and that bothered a few, but no one could have known the depths of her despair.  They couldn’t know how betrayed she felt. They couldn’t have known how angry she was.  They couldn’t have known how much of her time she spent wanting her mom back and how cheated she felt. 

They couldn’t have known that she felt like God owed her, because he had already taken one mom from her when she was only a baby, too young to remember her.  No one knew that she felt like he had betrayed her twice and now she lived in constant fear that He would take someone else away that she loved. 

She kept all that to herself, because people can’t handle the pain in another person’s heart.  For years she pretended.  She went to church, she read her Bible, she prayed, but the anger and the hurt and the betrayal lingered under the surface contaminating everything in her life.  Her marriage suffered, her friendships suffered, her children suffered because the fear that was ruling her could only damage and lash out.  She couldn’t take it out on God, so she took it out on everyone else. 

She could no longer trust Him, so she couldn’t trust anyone else.  Security, peace, hope, and joy were replaced by fear, rage, and hopelessness.   Eventually, rage turned into unbelief…  she no longer believed that God was good and that He could be trusted.  Nothing made sense anymore and if she'd had no children to worry about she would have left her Christian faith far behind. 

I still don’t understand.  I still look out at my children playing with their cousins and I long for her.  I long to see the tranquil look on her beautiful face as she takes in the chaos.  I still long for her kiss on my cheek and the love in her eyes as she enjoyed watching her rebellious teenagers morph into competent, responsible adults.  I miss her voice.  Christmas has lost a little magic, because she’s not here.  I think of her every day, all day and I still cry, because it hurts worse now than it did that day I stood beside her casket. 

I still don’t understand why.  But, through the haze of rage and fear, Jesus NEVER once left my side.  He allowed me to cry when no one else could handle it.  He allowed me to question and to argue.  He allowed me to doubt.  He comforted me like only He can. 

One day not long after my mom passed away, I had stopped praying and reading the Bible, but for school each day my beginning readers would read a chapter to me.  That day both read the same story out of different books.  The first time I didn’t pay any attention, I was distracted and just wanted to get this over with.  You know how it is when you have kids learning how to read… the sounding out words is almost worse than a needle in your eye. 

The next one snuggled up beside me and starts reading and instantly my attention turns to what he is reading.  I know they are in different books and some may call this a coincidence, but I knew in that moment what I hadn’t gotten before the Spirit of God wanted me to understand now. So, I listened a little closer.  After the reading session was over I took my bible in my room and fell on the floor and prayed.  What are you trying to say, Lord? 

This is the story I heard that day and this is the story I read today and the one that I’ve read hundred times in the last 6 years.  This is the story that pierces my soul every time I hear it, and this is the story that brought me back to faith in a good God, who loves me and even when I can’t understand He can be trusted. 

“Just then, a man name Jairus came.  He was a leader of the synagogue.  He fell down at Jesus’s feet and pleaded with him to come to his house, because he had an only daughter about 12 years old, and she was dying.”

While Jesus was going with Jairus to heal his daughter, a woman came and touched his robe and she was healed of a blood disease she had had for 12 years.  During the commotion that followed Jairus’s daughter died.  His servants came to him and said, “Don’t bother the Master anymore, your daughter is dead.”

When Jesus heard this, the Bible says He turned to Jairus and said, “Don’t be afraid, Only believe, and she will be saved.” Luke 8:50

I can see Jesus with fire in His eyes willing Jairus to believe.  Willing him to hold on to that little spark of faith that had compelled him to seek Jesus out in the first place.  I can see Jesus holding his gaze and convincing Jairus that He really did have the power to raise the dead. 

I can see Jesus turn to me again and again as we walk to our destination and say I KNOW what you see.  I know it’s hard to believe.  I know you are afraid and I know you are sad, but JUST BELIEVE.  I can see Jesus put His arm around me and reassure me that everything is going to be ok. 

No, He didn’t answer my prayer.  No, my mom didn’t get healed (on this side anyway), no she’s not here, BUT if I just keep on believing I’m going to see her again someday.  

I know my mom would be begging me, if she could, to not be afraid.  She would say, “Angela follow Him, believe Him and you will see miracles.” 

My reasons why I have struggled over the years to follow Jesus are my own, but you have them too.  I see it in many Christians I know…  we all have our reasons why we stopped believing.  We all have our reasons why we started playing church instead of walking on water.  We’re afraid to get hurt, we’re afraid to believe again.

Fear permeates everything in our life and instead of joy we are bitter, instead of peace we are control-freaks.   Instead of love we feel empty.  Somewhere along the way, we stopped believing, BUT Jesus is turning to us today and saying, “Don’t be afraid, just believe…”

Tuesday, May 22, 2018

Where is Your Faith?


This was crazy.  Abraham could not believe what he was doing.  Trudging up the mountain, sweat pouring down his back and Isaac following behind him.  His mind consumed with anxious thoughts.  He didn’t hear the first few times Isaac asked him, but the boy's question finally penetrated his preoccupied thoughts. 

“Where we going, Dad?”

How could he answer that question?  He really wished that he could understand God.  He had tried to please this unseen God.  From the first day the Voice had spoken to him and called him by name, Abraham had tried to do everything He commanded.  Leave your family and go where I tell you, had been the first thing He said.  No one had understood then and certainly no one will understand now. 

Abraham had been humbled to be chosen by God.  Who was he?  He was no one… but God had chosen him and made him unbelievable promises and showered him with blessings.  The greatest blessing of all was walking up this mountain behind him.  Remembering the reason for this trek brought a fresh wave of tears to Abraham’s eyes.

Isaac, his beloved son, his heir, the fulfillment of the promise, the son of his old age.  He was a miracle.  Who would have ever believed that Abraham, having already lived a century and Sarah at 90 could have a son, but he was learning, with God all things are possible. 

Possible. That’s why he was doing this.   Walking up this mountain, with Isaac following behind him, asking what they were doing, he was trusting that with God all things were possible, like raising his  son from the dead. 

Why?  Why would Jehovah be asking him to do this? He was not like the other gods that Abraham’s family had worshipped in Ur.  He didn’t require human sacrifice.  He was the living God.  He gave life, he didn’t take it, and yet He had demanded Abraham sacrifice his beloved son. 

The troubling thoughts continued to plague Abraham as he ascended the steep slopes of Mt. Moriah.  Usually the beauty surrounding him would calm his soul and remind him of the gracious hand of the Creator, but today nothing could still his thoughts. 

What would he tell Sarah?  He hadn’t said anything, because what do you say?  “Hey, you know the son God promised us, that we waited so long for, uh yeah I’m going to take him up the mountain and sacrifice him.” 

Why God?  Why did you ask this?  A thousand tangled thoughts were colliding in Abraham’s mind, but the one thought that stilled all the others was that God had been so good to him.  He remembered all the times that he had done what God had told him by faith, and all the times that God had rewarded that fledgling seed of faith.  He remembered all the times that he had gotten himself into bad situations and all the times God had rescued him.  He remembered the joy of finding out that Sarah’s dead womb had conceived a child.  He remembered holding Isaac in his arms and laughing with joy, because God had done the impossible.

Remembering calmed his heart.  Even though he didn’t understand why or how, Abraham knew that God was good and that nothing was impossible with him.  He knew that God could be trusted, even with the one thing that Abraham loved most in the world.  He knew that if God told him to do something, somehow it was going to be ok. 

Too soon Abraham and Isaac reached the top of the mountain.  Abraham leaned on his staff to catch his breath and to stall, hoping beyond hope that God would call this whole thing off.  After a few minutes he told Isaac to help him build an alter to perform the sacrifice on. 

“Well, Dad, the fire and wood are here, but where is the Lamb?” Isaac innocently asked.  Looking away across the distant hills, Abraham lifted his eyes to expanse of blue above him and said, “God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son.” 

When Abraham could stomach the fear no longer he called Isaac over to him.  Submissively following his father’s instructions, he allowed himself to be bound and placed on the alter.  Abraham couldn’t speak, there were no words for this.  The horrible pit of pain and fear in his stomach were making it hard to breath.  The innocent love looking up at him from his precious son’s eyes was more than a father should have to bear.  GOD WHY????? 

Abraham raised the knife to do what God had told him to do.  This was the moment.  He was going to kill his own son, but as he raised the knife in his hand, He heard his name called out from heaven…  “Abraham, Abraham!” 

“Here I am.”  Abraham replied. 

The Lord said, “Do not lay a hand on the boy or do anything to him.  FOR NOW I KNOW YOU fear God, since you have not withheld your only son from me.”  At that moment Abraham heard the bleating of a ram, turning around he saw it stuck in the thicket behind him.  Relief, joy, tears all collided in that moment. 

The Lord had provided.  He was good.  He was gracious.  He had made a way.  He had tested Abraham’s greatest fears and although this was the hardest thing Abraham had ever in his life experienced, he felt set free.  He had faced his worst nightmare and with the Lord, he had come through it better than he was before. 

Abraham couldn’t find words to express what was in his heart.  For the first time in Abraham’s life he knew no fear.  God’s perfect love had cast out his fear.  His light had shown in Abraham’s darkness.  He had exposed the lies hidden in the depths of his heart.  The Lord had shown Abraham that there was nothing to fear when you were His.

I have been a Christian for twenty years and just in the past few years has God been exposing how much of my life has been governed by fear instead of faith.  Every time He asks me to take a step I argue and rationalize and try to find another way.  My faith being in what I can see, but God is testing that.  He’s asking me to face my fears.  He’s asking me to step out on unknown waters and do things I don’t think I can do, only to find out that HE has already provided everything I need, once I take the step. 

One day a few men were out on a boat and when an intense storm came out of nowhere.  They were frantic and sure that death was imminent.   They didn’t know what the sleeping guy down below could do, but they knew they had to go wake him up.  “Master, master we’re going to die.”, they frantically cried out. 

Jesus got up and with the authority of a military general He called out to the wind and waves to cease and immediately they calmed.  Then He turned to his disciples and said, “Where is your faith?”

Where is your faith today?  Is it in you?  Is it in your wisdom?  Is it in your circumstances or is it in God?  Is your faith in the sovereign Creator King of the Universe, who with mere words spoke galaxies into existence?  Is your faith in the One who can calm seas, hung the stars in place, and fed 5000 with a few fish and a little bread?  Is your faith in the One who loved you so much that He sent HIS OWN BELOVED SON TO DIE?  Or is your faith in your understanding? 

Where is your faith today?  If God is asking you to do a very hard thing, that you know you can not do, be assured He will provide a way for you to do it.  Be still and know that HE is good, and He is God and He will make a way.  Calm your anxious thoughts today, by remembering who HE is and then take that next step of faith.


Monday, May 21, 2018

The Pain We Know


She saw her chance for escape.  An oversight by her captor, a door left unlocked, just waiting for her to walk through.  The night outside was pitch black, no moon out to show her the way.  She had given up long ago.  She had been beaten into submission and she had no courage to run now, but she knew this chance would never come again. 

If it wasn’t for the unexpected distraction, she'd be reliving the same hell she had been through hundreds of times before.  Oh, how she hated herself for not listening to wisdom when she was younger.  Her parents had warned her a million times about talking to strangers on the internet, but when the instant messages came pouring in day after day, she couldn’t resist his sweet lies.

At the time she had no idea he was not who he said he was.  The tiny profile pic was of a cute 15-year-old boy, with blonde hair and sun-kissed freckles on his nose.  She was smitten by the second day of texting.  He said the cutest things and he was always telling her how beautiful she was.  No on had ever said that to her before. 

The day he asked to meet in person was supposed to be such a magical day.  It was the day before her 14th birthday and she was super excited about the party the next day, the only thing that would make it less than perfect is that she couldn’t invite him.  Eve knew for sure her parents would freak.  So, that day she agreed to meet him, because he had a gift for her birthday.  They were meeting at the park around the corner.  Her parents never questioned her about meeting with her friends around the corner.  They wouldn’t suspect a thing.

Eve lived to regret that day a thousand times, wishing more than anything she wouldn’t have responded to that first instant message.  When she got to the park that day, she didn’t see anybody at first, especially not the cute boy she was anxiously waiting to meet in person.  She had been there for about five minutes when an older guy, with a ball cap walked by.  He didn’t stop or talk, but something about him instantly made Eve uncomfortable and she decided to head back home.  Walking briskly the opposite way and turning around frequently to make sure she wasn’t being followed, she didn’t see the man step out of the hedges in front of her.  She collided with him and he wrapped her up in a strong embrace, holding his hand over her mouth.

He whispered, “Hello, Eve, I’m so glad to finally meet you.”  Frantically, she kicked him and tried to bite his hand, while all the dots connected in her teenage brain.  All the warnings from her parents.  All the secrecy, all the lies came to light in that moment.  This was her prince charming, who called her beautiful and he was kidnapping her and taking her away from everything she loved.  If only she had listened.

Eve pushed those thoughts out of her mind for now.  Right now, she had to summon the courage to get up and run out of this dungeon she had been trapped in for two long miserable years.  She had to make her jello legs work and her mind formulate a plan.  She hadn’t made any decisions for herself for so long it was feeling impossible to decide what to do now. 

Where would she go?  She had no idea what lay outside these walls.  She didn’t know if she could make it on her weak legs and she had no shoes.  She wasn’t sure if she was even close enough to humanity to get any help.  All she knew was there was an unlocked door and freedom on the other side. 

Eve was terrified of taking this chance of escape.  She didn’t know what new horror might lie outside that unlocked door.  She waited what felt like eternity trying to figure out if she had the courage to take the step.  Finally, with every ounce of courage she had she lifted herself up and crept to the door.  The faded beat-up blue truck was gone for now.  Deciding that circling the house and running the opposite way of the long gravel drive-way was the best thing to do, she took off at a run, stumbling and falling flat on her face, because she kept turning around afraid to catch a glimpse of that faded blue. 

Eve ran for what felt like forever, she was panting, her heart beating out of her chest, legs burning and mind racing with all the unknowns, but she ran until could run no more.  Just when she thought she was about to die, Eve saw lights from a house in the distance.  She was so relieved to see civilization she collapsed in the field, hoping to regain her composure before she approached the little white farm house. 

Hearing the bark of dogs coming closer to her, Eve tried to pick herself up to see where they were coming from.   Weak and feeling like she might faint, she didn’t have the strength, so she just lay there waiting for the unknown.  A few steps away a woman called out to her dogs to heel, approaching to see what kind of animal they had found.  She gasped when she saw the crumpled shape laying in the tall grass in front of her.  Leaning down beside Eve, she swept the matted hair off her forehead and said, “Oh, honey, you’ve been through something bad, but you’re ok now.” 

Tears of relief and gratitude stung Eve’s eyes and she passed out right there knowing that she had finally made it to freedom. 



For Eve the fear of escaping and the unknown was almost stronger than her fear of the pain she knew.  The pain you know is sometimes more comfortable than the fear of the unknown.  That’s why we stay where we are for so long… because at least we know what to expect. 

In John chapter five, Jesus approaches a man who has been paralyzed for 38 years.  He’s laying on his mat at the pool Bethesda and Jesus comes to him, leans down and says, “Do you want to be made whole?” 

The man begins to make excuses for his situation, but Jesus getting to the heart of the matter says, “Get up, pick up your mat and walk”.  Instantly, the man was healed, he picked up his mat and went on his way.

But, there were many, many people there that day and no one else healed…  Why?  Probably because the fear of the unknown was stronger than the pain they were in.   

Jesus wants us to see that unlocked door and take the chance on freedom.  He is asking each of us today…  Do you want to be made whole?   It may be scary, and you may only see one small step at a time but get up and take the chance.  The pain and fear you know is clouding your sense and keeping you from the freedom on the other side of that door.  Freedom is waiting...  Jesus is waiting.   Don't let the pain you've become so comfortable with keep you from taking that chance.  

Saturday, May 19, 2018

Popping Corn

He's standing on a chair in front of the microwave, impatiently jumping up and down, "Mom, mom when is my popcorn going to be ready?"  My mind is preoccupied and my thoughts are a million miles away from this kitchen and that little boy waiting for his popcorn.  He must have said that three times in the 2 minutes and 49 seconds it took to pop that corn.  Finally, his irritated voice broke through my distant thoughts and I just looked at him like he was crazy and said, "Boy, you do this every day, you know how long it takes."  It wasn't even completely out of my mouth when the Spirit of God whispered those words to my turbulent soul.

"Daughter, we've done this before.  You know you can trust my timing."  Suddenly, I could see myself impatiently standing in front of the microwave, watching the seconds tic down and crying out, "when, when, when?!"

My little guy had things he wanted to do and friends to play with and waiting on popcorn was an irritation in his life.  His four year old little brain didn't see the importance of waiting on the just the right timing.  If he had taken that popcorn bag out at the 2 minute mark most of the kernels would be unpopped.  He would have a bag of unfinished popcorn that would have been less than satisfying.  Waiting for that precise moment 2m 49s would produce a full bag of delicious popcorn with enough to share with that little friend he was so anxious to play with.  If he could just hold on 49 seconds he could have it all, his yummy popcorn and playtime with his buddy.  Forty-nine seconds seemed like an eternity, to a little boy who was just ready to be done with it, but forty-nine seconds means everything when it comes to popping a perfect bag of corn.

Oh man, does my heart need this little illustration today.  My heart needs to remember that God's timing is perfect.  I need to quiet my soul with the truth that at the appointed time God will have his way and if I wait on him, I will have the perfect bag of buttery corn and good times with my friends...  but I have to wait.  I have to trust that timing is EVERYTHING when you're popping corn.
And I can remember, because we've done this before.  In previous times when the Lord has given me a glimpse of the future and told me to wait patiently for Him to bring it to pass.  It was hard to wait then, but He made it happen, just the way He said it would... in His time.

The Children of Israel had to wait.  God sent Moses to tell them He was going to set them free from Pharaoh so they could be his people.  They thought it would be immediate, but they had to wait and the waiting was hard.  Their circumstances even became harder as they waited.  Pharaoh and the Egyptians despised the Hebrews for suggesting that God would rescue them.  They made their lives harder with more work, less supplies and more severe punishments.  As they waited they began to doubt that God had really spoken and maybe this guy Moses was insane to suggest that they would ever be set free from Egypt, but God had bigger plans that they couldn't even understand.  God wanted to display HIS GLORY to Pharaoh, Egypt and the surrounding nations.

The Lord HAD spoken and He would have His way, but His timing was everything.  By the time that God was done with the Pharaoh and the Egyptians, they were begging the Hebrews to leave and throwing all their valuables at them as they made their escape.

Waiting is hard.  Especially when you're standing on a chair, in front of the microwave, watching the seconds tic by.  Waiting is hard when you smell that popcorn and your mouth is watering and you know it's gonna be gooooooood!  Waiting is hard when you want to go play with your friends and you think you're missing out on something.

Waiting is hard.  When you're in Egypt, knowing God has something different in your near future.  Waiting is hard when you've finally heard from the Lord about something you've been praying about for a long time.  Waiting is hard when life becomes more painful and what He says, doesn't line up with what you see.  Waiting is hard when the stripes on your back become more frequent and you can't keep up with the new work load.

But the harder it's gets the sweeter that day of deliverance will be when the Lord says, "Get ready, You must be dressed for travel, your sandals on your feet, and your staff in your hand."

"On the same day the Lord brought the Israelites out of the land of Egypt according to their military divisions." Exodus 12:51

The Lord did all the work.  He did all the preparing.  He made the way, where there seemed to be no way.  He humbled the greatest nation on behalf of His people.  He set them free and led them to a new land.  All they had to do was be ready when that day came.

The popcorn is popping.  Watching and waiting and worrying isn't going to change one thing.  It will take 2 minutes and 49 seconds just like it does every other time.  Sitting there fussing about it isn't going to make that popcorn pop any faster AND taking it out before it's time is only going to be a disappointment.

"Be silent before the Lord and wait expectantly for Him..." Psalms 37:7

Thursday, May 17, 2018

Are You the One?

Sitting in a cold, musty cell was not how John thought he would be spending his days.  This was not the way things were supposed to go.  Waiting for freedom or even a word from Jesus, was starting to get the best of him.  John's followers were also starting to really doubt that Jesus was Messiah.  He didn't act anything like a conquering King.  Nothing about this was as anyone expected.

The Messiah was supposed to be setting Israel free from Rome, conquering enemies and ruling on the throne of David.  John had been so excited the day Jesus came down to the river to be baptized.  He was amazed to see the descending dove and the voice, he would never forget the sound of the voice proclaiming "This is My beloved Son."  There was no doubt that was the voice of  God.  But, now what.

John had been convinced that Jesus, his own cousin, was the Messiah that Israel had been waiting for.  He had seen the miracles and when Jesus spoke it pierced his very soul, but this was not how this was supposed to go.  John's ministry had just begun.  He wasn't supposed to be sitting in prison.

And Jesus... what was he doing?  He was hanging out with tax collectors and sinners.  Every day out preaching to the masses of the Kingdom of God, when was he going to rise up?  When was he going to start acting like a King?

John's thoughts began to take a dark turn.  Whispered lies that sounded so much like truth started to penetrate his mind.  If Jesus was really the Messiah, wouldn't he get John out of this mess?  They were cousins after all.  John had seen him doing harder things before.  John knew in the depths of his soul that Jesus had the power to get him out this situation, but day after day he sat there.  Day after day, his disciples would bring more news of all that Jesus was doing and they would look at him with more uncertainty each day.

John was beginning to feel like a fool for believing all of this.  Maybe he had just been carried away with all the excitement and emotion.  Maybe Jesus was not who John thought he was...  but the voice from heaven... he couldn't forget that.

Once again John's disciples showed up looking for answers from him.  What did he know?  He was in prison.  He really just wished they would go away and leave him alone.  He didn't have any answers himself and he felt the pressure to be strong for them, but he was starting to feel cracked, so battered and bruised and faithless.  His whole life he had known he was the prophet preparing the way for the Lord.  He had spent his whole life waiting for this moment and for what?  To sit in prison and wait for death.  Why wasn't Jesus doing something?

John feeling defeated by the endless questions finally blurted out, "Go ask him.  Is he the One or should we seek another?"  After a shocked expression passed on the faces of his two friends, they turned on their heel and walked away.  Immediately, the Spirit of God pierced John's heart...  He knew with everything in him exactly WHO Jesus was, and he knew that the problem wasn't Jesus...it was his own expectations.  But who could know the mind of God?  Maybe they had been wrong all along...

A few hours later the men came back and told John what they had heard and seen.  They found Jesus surrounded by people as usual.  He motioned them forward recognizing them as John's disciples and greeting them affectionately he asked about John.  The two men said John had sent them with a message.  "Are you the One?"

With an understanding look on his face, Jesus turned to the crowds pressing in on him. With the touch of his hand or a word spoken many walked away healed.  Healed of diseases of the flesh, the mind and the spirit.  There were some who received sight, some lame made whole, no matter what they needed they walked away new that day.  

Thinking they were forgotten, the two men weren't sure what to do or even what to think.  Watching all of this didn't seem real.  How could any man have the power to do what Jesus was doing.  After a while, Jesus turned back to them, as if he had been doing all of that for them and said, "Go back and tell John what you have seen and heard.  The blind receive their sight, the lame walk, those with leprosy are cleansed, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, and the poor are told the good news, and blessed is the one who isn't offended in me." 

Listening to his followers excitedly share what they had seen, it felt like a boulder has fallen to the bottom of John's stomach, because he knew in that moment, that things are not going to go the way he thought.  He knows that even though Jesus is the ONE, he will not be rescuing John from this situation.  He knows that his circumstances DO NOT change who Jesus is.  He knows that Jesus is still who He said He is, but Jesus has different plans than John.  John feels weak and tired.  He realizes that He may not understand God, and that God doesn't have to explain himself to John.  

As his emotions roll like the waves of the sea, the peace of God begins to blanket him.  Jesus is the Messiah.  God IS faithful.  In the fullness of time, God has sent forth his son, the Messiah, Jesus and whatever He is doing can be trusted.  Jesus knows more than he does.  God's ways are not his ways.  God's thoughts are not man's thoughts.  John did what he was called to do and now the world would see the Messiah.  

And the peace that passes understanding flooded John's soul that day in a cold, empty cell.  Whatever God was doing was right and good.  He could be trusted even if John's life didn't make sense to him.  There was no promise of rescue, but there was a greater promise...  that John's eternal home was better than this place.  

I'm not sure what you're facing today, but no matter how hard, how sad, how frustrating it is, Jesus is the Messiah.  Don't judge the faithfulness of God on what you are going through, judge the faithfulness on God on the fact that in the fullness of time, He sent Jesus to pay the debt of sin, that you could not pay.  Judge God faithful because He made a way for you to be with Him in eternity.  Judge Him faithful by his promises of new mercy every morning and grace that is sufficient to cover all of our sin.  Trust that whatever His plan, He will work all things for your good.


Thursday, May 10, 2018

Don't Want To Miss A Thing

It had been a long, frustrating night.  Bone weary and preoccupied Simon hefted the heavy nets out of the boat to wash them.  All the people were already standing around waiting for that new teacher.  He really drew the crowds.  People made a lot of noise about him, saying he healed people and cast out demons.  Some even whispered he might be the Messiah.  At that moment it didn't matter who he was, Simon just needed a catch.  Sore and weary, he just tried to get through the routine and get home.

Lost in his thoughts he didn't hear anyone approach, but catching his name, he turned and found himself face to face with Jesus.  The people were all pressing around Jesus, all wanted a touch or a word, some miracle to cling to.  Jesus stepped into the boat and asked Simon to push out from the shore.  Exhausted, hungry and a little irritated, Simon climbs in and pushes away from shore.  Jesus sits down in the boat and starts to speak to the crowds.  Amazingly, his voice carries and the power and authority radiate from him.  His message is so different from what Simon had ever heard before.

As Jesus spoke to the crowds, Simon begins to relax and feel the weight lifting off his shoulders, he's not sure what it is about this guy, but he's different.  After a while, Jesus finishes teaching.  Simon is just about to head back to shore when Jesus says, "Go out to the deep water and let your nets down."  Inwardly, Simon groans, thinking to himself, "Jesus, stick to teaching."

Simon is a fisherman and he knows a couple things...  You can't catch fish in the deep and especially not at this time of day.  He has great respect for this guy, but obviously Jesus doesn't know a thing about fishing.  Feeling the need to explain this to Jesus, Simons says, "Master, we've worked all night long and caught nothing.  But if you say so, I'll let down the nets."

Unfolding the nets, Simon swings them out into the water and before they even sink below the surface, fish begin to throw themselves in his nets.  Simon stands in open-mouthed shock as his eyes take in what his mind can't understand.  He is so dumb-founded that Jesus has to remind him to pull the nets in, but as they pull them up and try to heft them into the boat the nets begin to tear.  With his brain still befuddled, he motions for his partners in the other boat to come get all the fish in the boats.  Simon looks over at Jesus, who is helping pull the nets out of the water and he's laughing, acting like he's having a great time.

Simon and the others just keep pulling fish into the boat, which is becoming overloaded.  He has never seen anything like this.  The boat begins to sink, as the weight of the fish becomes too much to bear.  Again Simon looks over at Jesus, looking like he's having the time of his life and Simon becomes very afraid.  His mind is beginning to understand the true gravity of this situation.  He is witnessing a miracle.  He's standing in the presence of the one who made those fish.  He's standing in the presence of the One.  Simon falls to his knees and cries out, "Go away from me, because I'm a sinful man, LORD."

Jesus turns serious, all traces of humor gone, and says, "Don't be afraid, from now on you will be catching people."

Although, Simon didn't understand what that meant, he knew that he could no longer go back to life, as it had been.  He didn't know anything, except that he would follow Jesus anywhere.  That day Simon left everything on that shore and followed Jesus.

Simon, who became Peter, followed Jesus from that day forward.  Peter became the Messiah's right hand man.  Peter saw Jesus walk on water, and even got to take a few steps himself.  Peter saw Jesus break bread and blessing it to feed thousands.  Peter saw people healed, his own mother inlaw included.  Peter saw Jesus raise the dead, give sight to the blind, calm storms and he was a eye-witness to the beautiful sermons, to words spoken that changed lives, and set captives free.

Peter witnessed the transfiguration and he also witnessed the cross, where his dearest friend and beloved Lord and Savior was brutally beaten and nailed to wood posts and left to die. He witnessed that same Jesus raised to life again and ascending into heaven.  He was told to go and preach the Gospel and make disciples.  He was thrown in jail for fulfilling his calling.  He saw and performed miracles.  He suffered for the message and eventually, church tradition says that he was hung upside down on a cross of his own...

But, I know that Peter wouldn't have changed a thing.  He wouldn't want to miss all that he saw and experienced.  From the first day, when he fell down in from of Jesus and worshipped him, he wouldn't have missed a thing.

And I don't want to miss a thing.  I want to follow Jesus, wherever he leads.  I want to walk on water with him.  I don't want fear or common sense to keep me from seeing miracles.  I want to recklessly follow the One who lavishly loves me.  How about you...  don't you want to follow Him too?

Wednesday, May 9, 2018

You Make Me Brave

I remember the day vividly, my weakest moment, a few years ago...  My daughter came inside, excitedly wanting me to come outside, to see her do a cart wheel, with the girls from next door and I just started crying.  I had been hiding in my house for months, overcome by people anxiety and I just couldn't go outside with her.

I'm naturally a pretty out-going, happy person.  Maybe it was a perfect storm of grieving for my mom and being consumed with what people thought about me, but I just couldn't stand the constant worry about what I should say, how I should act and why I'm just not good enough, so I hid.  It was just too painful to be around people.

I didn't realize at the moment that I had erected an altar in my life, on which I would sacrifice, to the god of people worship.  What people thought about me was all that mattered and like the fire on the altar, I was consumed.  My dearest friends became enemies, the slightest comment perceived as a piercing jab.  I was easily hurt and completely insecure.  Not enough likes on a fb post would send me over the edge and prove repeatedly that I was unworthy.  Unworthy and unloved and invisible and fearful.

All that changed one day when I was challenged to read Ephesians chapter 1 for a whole week...  that was 3 years ago and the treasure I found there I'm still unpacking today.  In Ephesians chapter 1, I saw a completely different picture of me...

Take a look at what I found there:

"For HE chose us in Him, BEFORE the foundation of the world, to be HOLY and BLAMELESS in LOVE before Him... He adopted us as sons (AND daughters) through Jesus Christ for HIMSELF, according to the GOOD PLEASURE of HIS WILL, to the praise of his glorious grace that He LAVISHED on us in the Beloved ONE."  Eph 1:4-6

If you know me very well right now, you know I'm standing up, raising my voice!!!!

IF there really is a God in heaven and if this BOOK is really HIS WORD to me...  IF the Maker and Creator and King of the universe LOVES me and accepts me at His table, as His child FOR no other reason than HE WANTED ME...  Who am I to deny what he says by believing what other people say about me (not that anybody was even thinking of me in the first place), BUT it doesn't matter what anybody thinks about me, IF the King of Heaven loves me and chose me for His own.

Who am I to say what He says isn't true?  Who is there in this world that can decide my worth and value, IF HE has already bought me at a great price?  Who am I to tell myself I can't do what He says I can?

Little by little my thirsty soul began to drink in the truth of God's word and especially the words in my very favorite chapter Ephesians 1, and like a plant that was just about to die, I started to perk up again.  Ephesians chapter 1 was Miracle grow to my soul.  My people worship began to fade away.  All the sudden, I didn't care what people thought about me anymore, because He loved me too much to keep listening to that noise.  He flipped the script.

Today, I spent hours preparing a Bible study to bring to my lady friends at church...  My heart laid bare for them to examine, critique and hopefully enjoy...  but it doesn't matter what they think really, because His love has made me brave enough, to follow Him into waters that are too deep for me.  I've taken my first step in the journey and I'm walking with Him, in spite of my fear.

"The Lord said to Joshua, 'Haven't I commanded you: be strong and courageous?  Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD YOUR GOD WILL GO WITH YOU WHEREVER YOU GO."  Joshua 1:9

You make me brave.  I want to go with YOU!

Thursday, May 3, 2018

Expect The Attack

"Now King Adoni-zedek of Jerusalem heard that Joshua had captured Ai and completely destroyed it and that the inhabitants of Gibeon had made peace with Israel and were living among them.  So, Adoni-zekek and his people were greatly alarmed because Gibeon was a large city like Ai, and all it's men were warriors... Therefore (he) sent word to the kings of Hebron, Jarmuth, Lachish, and Eglon, saying, "Come up and help me. We will attack Gibeon, because they made peace with Joshua and the Israelites.  So, the five Amorite kings joined forces, advanced with all their armies, besieged Gibeon, and fought against it." Joshua 10:1-5

When the enemy heard that the children of Israel were conquering city after city, victoriously gaining ground in the land of Canaan, they were obligated to counter attack.  They were not going to lay down and die, without a fight.  The King of Jerusalem had heard about the walls of Jericho falling down and the complete distruction that had followed.  He had heard about the town of Ai and how Joshua had lured the men of the city out, leaving it unprotected, allowing his men in hiding to gain access to the Ai and destroy it.  He had heard that Gibeon had craftily managed to gain a treaty with Joshua and the children of Israel and he knew it was only a matter of time before Israel turned in his direction.  Hoping to gain enough military strength to stop their advance, Adoni-zedek commissions the kings in the surrounding areas to join with him to attack Gibeon.

What Adoni-zedek did not know is that the Amorites had been marked out for judgment by the Lord of heaven and earth.   Although they may have believed that they were battling against the children of Israel, their real enemy was God.  The vessel that he decided to use in this instance was inconsequential.  As the five Amorite kings planned and strategized for battle, they had no way of knowing that their efforts were useless in the face of their true enemy.

Four hundred years before God had promised Abraham this good and fertile land, but He said that Abraham's descendants would be slaves in Egypt for four generations because the iniquities of  the Amorites had not reached full measure.  The wickedness of the nations of Canaan had testified against them and their sins would be punished.  Their true enemy could not be defeated.

"The Lord said to Joshua, 'Do not be afraid of them, for I have handed them over to you.  Not one of them can stand against you."  vs 8

"After this, Joshua struck down and executed (the five kings of the Amorites)." vs26

The five Amorite kings had joined forces to come out and fight against Joshua and the Children of Israel, not realizing that their strategy played right into God's plan.  The details were inconsequential, because God's purposes and plans would be fulfilled.  He had promised judgement on the people of Canaan for their abominable sins.  He had given the land to the Children of Israel and He had promised them that NO ONE would be able to stand against them.  The Lord would be fighting for them and they had nothing to fear.

When the enemy sees victory in your life expect attack.  When he sees you taking what's been promised to you, he's going to get riled up.  When you begin to walk with the Lord and by faith (confident assurance) claim what's rightfully yours, you need to know that he is going to strategize and plan an attack to keep you from gaining ground (the territory that's been in his hands)...  expect it, but don't be afraid.  Our enemy has already been defeated.  He has already been marked out for annihilation, because he's not really our enemy at all, his true adversary is God and he hasn't got a chance.  That's why he attacks the children and tries to discourage them, he knows he is already defeated.

Keep believing the truth of God...

"No weapon will be able to hurt you; you will have an answer for all who accuse you.  I will defend my servants and give them victory.' The Lord has spoken." Isaiah 54:17 GNT

"Therefore, submit to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee." James 4:7

"When you go out to war against your enemies and see horses, chariots and an army larger than yours do not be afraid of them, for the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt will fight for you." Deu. 20:1

We are the children of the Creator King of heaven.  He has plans and purposes that he is fulfilling in this world.  He has good works that He has prepared for us to do, to bring him glory on earth, to reveal Him to the nations and He will accomplish those things.  He is ABLE.  He is able to accomplish his work, but the enemy is going to try to stop YOU from being a part of what God is doing on earth.  His greatest weapon is fear and discouragement, but he is an impotent enemy, who can't really gain victory over us because we belong to God...  So, keep progressing.  Don't let him stop you from gaining that ground you have been promised, IF you take it by FAITH!

Be strong and courageous...  Your God is fighting for you!

You've changed

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